Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

[TBWG]

Daisy Duke

[urleft]

Scottish Wedding


At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

[urleft]

A bloke brings his best mate home after work to meet his wife.

His wife screams “You fucking dickhead,my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a right fucking tip,the dishes aren’t done, I'm still in my pyjamas, i cant be bothered to cook and it’s my time of the month!”.          “Why the x did you bring him home?”.


The husband replies”Because he was thinking of getting married”.

[TBWG]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
     
    Lemon Squeeze
     
    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
     
     
    Catholic Dog
     
    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
     
    Donation
     
    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
    'It is!'
    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
    'I can!'
    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
    'I do!'
    'Is he a member of your congregation?'
    'He is!'
    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
    'He will.'
     
    Confession
     
    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
    Man: 'What sins?'
    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
    Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
     
    Brothel Trip
     
    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
    '90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
     
    Senility
     
    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
     
      Pest Control
     
    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
     
     
    Marriage Humour
     
    Wife:    'What are you doing?'
    Husband:    Nothing.
    Wife:    'Nothing . . . ?  You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.'
    Husband:   'I was looking for the expiration date.'
     
    -------------------------------
     
    Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'
    Husband:     'Sure! What are my choices?'
    Wife:      'Yes or no.'     
     
    --------------------------------------------------------
    Stress Reliever
     
    Girl:     'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
    Boy:     'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
    Girl:     'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
     
    ------------------------------
    Son:     'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
    Son:     'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' 
     
    ________________________________
     
    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' 
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------ 
     
    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!' 
     

[urleft]

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
 
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
 
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
 
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
 
Dead silence.....
 
The rest of the year went very smoothly.

[urleft]

60th High School Reunion
 
He was a widower and she a widow.
 
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
 
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
 
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
 
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
 
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
 
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
 
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
 
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
 
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
 
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?"”
 
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
 
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

 
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

 

[TBWG]

Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.
 
"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
 
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".
 
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!
 
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks "Was that cross enough"?

[TBWG]

Graduation day!

[TBWG]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow
me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was
in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at
his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?







He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
 

[urleft]

Changing your computer password:


User: Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Computer: They automatically expire every 30 days.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Computer: You must get a new one.

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Computer: You must get a new one.

User: OK, roses

Computer: You must use more letters.

User: OK, pretty roses

Computer: You must use at least one numeric character.

User: OK, 1 pretty rose

Computer: You cannot use blank spaces.

User: OK, 1prettyrose

Computer: You must use additional characters.

User: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

Computer: You must use at least one capital letter.

User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose

Computer: You cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose

Computer: You need additional characters.

User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

Computer: You cannot use that password as it is already being used   

[TBWG]

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about
it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. B ut after
Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so,  Fred really got
worried. However, since the only time they ever got together
was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he
was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last
of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to
see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'


' J ail!' cried Fred. W hat in the world for?'


' W ell,' Russ said, 'you know S ue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'


'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her..... W hat about her?


' W ell, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she
filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so
proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.


' T he judge gave me 30 days for  perjury.'
 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

.

[TBWG]

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
> >
> > A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half-burned Union Jack duct taped on the boot of  their car and a "Remember 7-7" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
> >
> > Suddenly they yelled, "Praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.
> >
> > Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler lorry came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
> >
> > For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Wow...that could have been me!"
> >
> > So today, bright and early, I went out and started training for my HGV licence. 
>

[TBWG]

Did you hear about the fat, transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
 
 
 
 
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
 
 
 After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.  That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
 
 
 
 
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
 
 
 
 
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.
 
 
 
 
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her back in.
 
 
 
 
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
 
 
 
 
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
 
Nothing.
 
 
 
 
Just had my water bill for £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
 
 
 
 
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
 
 
 
 
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
 
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
 
 
 
 
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
 
 
 
 
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
 
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
 
 
 
 
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
 
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
 
 
 
 
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
 
   
 
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
 
 
 
 
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
 
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! 
 
 
 
 
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
 
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
 
 
 
 
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
 
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
 
 
 
 
An elderly couple is attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent x; what do you think I should do?'
 
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'