Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

 There was a bit of confusion at the Bass Pro Sporting Goods store
this > > week. When I was ready to pay for my purchases for gun powder
and > bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." > > > Making a
mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control > whackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed. After the > hysterical
shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she > was
referring to how to enter my credit card in the reader!!!! > > I have
been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make > their
instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[TBWG]

A Canadian psychiatrist was conducting  a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.  "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, (from  Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named  your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann:  "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's  name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your  obsession is alcohol.  This too shows itself in your child's name,  Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol,  quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on,  Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

[urleft]

“THE BROTHEL”
 
The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
“May I help you sir?,” she asked.
 
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”
 
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,”
 said the madam.
 
He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
 
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
“There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.”
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
 and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.”
 “Where are you from?”
 
The man replied,” Idaho .”
 
“Really,” she said. “I have family in Idaho.”
 
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney.”
 “She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”
 
The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:
 
1. Death
 
2. Taxes
 
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[urleft]

Scotch with 2 Drops of Water?
 
* A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
 water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says:
 
‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’
 
The bartender says:
 
‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’
 
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says:
 ‘I would like to buy you a drink too.’
 
The old woman says:
 
Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
 
‘Coming up’ says the bartender as she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
 ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

 The old woman says:
 ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
 
‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.
 
As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
 Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
 
The old woman replies
 ‘Sonny, when you’re my age you’ve learned how to hold your liquor...
 Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

[urleft]

English Lesson
 Did you know listen and silent use the same letters?
 
Do you know that the words race car spelled backwards
 still spells race car?
 
And that eat is the only word that if you take the first letter
 and move it to the last, it spells its past tense ate?
 
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
 illegal immigrants, and add just a few more letters, it spells:
 Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking,
 baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other
 hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving,
 raggedy-a$$ b**tards with you.
 
How weird is that?

[urleft]

* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
 Your sweetie says ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’
 And you answer: ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’
 
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
 
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, And you’re barefoot!
 
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
 A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door!
 
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
 You don’t care where your spouse goes ... just as long as you don’t have to go along.
 
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
 You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
 
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
 ‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car... in the parking lot.
 
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
 An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

[urleft]

During a lady’s medical examination, the doctor says,
 
“Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
 
The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor.
 
“No! No! Don’t remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!”

[TBWG]

Short, Sweet & True!!!
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."


~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

*********************************************************

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

[TBWG]

 A Scotsman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?"  Saint Peter asked.
 
"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied. "On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest
and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!' "

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."
 

[TBWG]

British humour

It has been announced that the police are going to be
allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting
some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.
 


Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .....
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
 
 
Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a
million pounds worth of improvements.
 
 
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing
anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as
high as 3.
 
 
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her
eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I
saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just
on standby.
 
 
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester ,
Luton and London . Apparently the giant couldn't smell any
Englishmen.
 
 
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the
doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've
found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
 
 
A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"
 
 
 

[urleft]

M E M O

To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Revised layoff policy

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the plan, planners will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who are willing to code 80 hours a week for the company.

Therefore, a program to phase out all planners by the end of the current fiscal year, via layoff, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire All Planners Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual layoff takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If employees follows the above procedure, they will be entitled to HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to the assure remaining employees that the company will continue its policy of ensuring that employees are well trained through Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If an employee feels that not enough SHIT is received on the job, an appointment should be made with the appropriate first line manager. First line managers are empowered to ensure that employees receive all the SHIT they can stand.

[urleft]

M E M O

To: All Employees From: Management

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPped will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are SLAPped, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPped or SCREWed may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPoed once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, they will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless they already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPped or SCREWed by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

(Please see our previously issued memo on SHIT for more information.)

[TBWG]

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for
lunch. It was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Leigh on Sea because the waitresses had big boobs & wore miniskirts.
 
 
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. It was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Leigh on Sea because the food and service was good and
the beer was excellent.
 
 
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. It was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Leigh on Sea because they could dine in peace and quiet and
it was good value for money.
 
 
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. It was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Leigh on Sea because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a lift for the disabled.
 
 
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Leigh on Sea because they had never been there before.
 

[tommynew]

Good un. I can vouch for that

[dimple joe]

Shamelessly stolen, but too good to miss....

The Captain Never Makes Mistakes

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave.
The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.”

“They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: “No Jews, please.”

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
“Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers.”

“One is a Lieutenant Commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design.”

“The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD, in Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering, are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate.”

“The third officer is also a Lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.”

“Finally, the fourth officer, also a Lieutenant Commander, is our
ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .”

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
“There must be some mistake.”

“No, Madam,” said the first officer. “Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”