Ring any bells?

[binnsy]

The Patient
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[TBWG]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, “So why are you here?”
The Black Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?”
"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down.
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"
The Yellow Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?” the Black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, “Why are you here?”
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane.
"I'll hump anything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, its nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, “No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!”

[TBWG]

.

[TBWG]

A 50-something year old Muslim man  arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't  want the seat.
The seat was next to an elderly white woman  reading her Bible.
 
Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and  demanded a new seat.
The man said "I cannot sit here next to  this infidel."
The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can  find another seat."
 
After checking,  the flight attendant returned and stated
"There are no more  seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if  there is something in first class." 
 
About 10 minutes  went by and the flight attendant returned and stated
"The  captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy,
but there is one in first class.
It is our company policy to  never move a person from economy to first class,
but being that  it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person,
the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."
 
Before the irate  Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the  elderly woman and said,
"Therefore, madam, if you would so  kindly retrieve your personal items,
we would like to move you  to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."
 
Passengers in  the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation.
 

[urleft]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weight lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the IRS."

[TBWG]

Is GOD Good or What?

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

Within minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to unlock my car?"

He said "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said

"Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied
"Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday,

I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing,

"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD Good or What!?

[dimple joe]

If you're a betting man, the current odds on being next to pick up the ashes are :-

England 6/4 

  Australia 3/1 

  Winnie Mandela 1/3 

[urleft]

Two dwarves go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure..
 
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
 
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.
 
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
 
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."
 
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."

[urleft]

I was offered some advice several years age;  "Never kick a horse turd, they might be your next boss." 



Cute story with some interesting morals:


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.

The morals of the story are:

1. Not everyone who drops $hit on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of $hit is your friend.

3. When you're Happy and in deep $hit, keep your mouth shut!

[TBWG]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?



"You're in the team for this Saturday."

[urleft]

Boss spelled backwards is Double S O B

[dimple joe]

The Royal Wedding Night

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

[urleft]

Every 5 seconds the royal baby screams and cries as it needs nourishment.
 For just £12 million per month you can make sure it doesn't go hungry by funding someone without a flat chest to breast feed this baby.
 Upon donation, you will receive a free mug with the words "I am a tax payer" on it, informing others what we all are for funding this child.

'Wadya mean the baby's ginger?!!!'
 'HAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYY!!!!'

Everyone has at least one uncle nob head.
 The Royal baby will be spoilt for choice.


As prince Phillip walked into the delivery room all the staff stood to attention. "OK, then where is it?" He asked, "Where's my mail?"


Prince William's heir is falling out.


After the Queen's recent gastroenteritis, at least the royal staff should be well experienced to deal with shitty nappies.


In an effort to over shadow her sister's big occasion yet again, Pippa Middleton will present the baby to the world whilst wearing crotchless knickers
 


So if the Royal baby is a girl and they are going to name her Diana, as she came into the world just like her grandmother went out.
 Speeding through a tunnel, shooting forward, covered in blood with the paparazzi outside the windows.



I don't envy those two having a new baby. The sleepless nights, dirty nappies and the 24/7 crying. Rather them than me, so good luck...
 Royal nannies.


If the royal baby is a boy I hope he is named after his Grandfather:
 Prince Dodi of Knightsbridge


I think that as a mark of respect they should name the Royal baby after one of its great ancestors.
 Athena if its a girl or Himmler if its a boy.


I am excitedly waiting for the important delivery..
 Sat on the edge of the seat, twitching and shuffling.
 My stomach has knots in it.
 Come on Tesco, I really need that toilet roll now!


Monday's child is fair of face.
 And full of grace too.
 Also - several hundred million's of pounds in cash, six castles, a private airliner, several yachts, limousines, helicopters, a shitload of racehorses and pretty much anything else they fucking want.


I like everyone else woke up this morning thinking. Is It a girl? Is it a boy?
 Nothing to do with the Royal baby though, more to do with a bar girl i picked up in Thialand.


The Royal baby has been born weighing a massive 15lb.
 The midwife said, "It was messy, a lot of blood and screaming ... but on the plus side, it probably made William feel closer to his mother"


The Royal Baby's Summer birthday will mean it will be behind the rest of the class when it starts school and it will probably end up working in McDonalds.



just heard that Kate Middleton is in the first stages of Labour.
 David Cameron must be pissed off then


The estimated cost of raising the impending Royal baby up to the age of 5 will cost the taxpayer around 3.6 million pounds.
 Making the birth pay per view would have easily covered that
 

Security dramas at Kensington Palace as small person is forced out of the Royal Box.

The Duchess of Cambridge has been spotted going into St Mary's Hospital via the back entrance.
 If William had had the same idea nine months ago there'd be no need for a maternity ward.

[Somnat]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,

he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

 

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

 

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

[TBWG]

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.
                                                                                                             
Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

 
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

 
Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.  His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a ， You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.

 
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.

 
The Arab replied: "Ya Habibi !!, (Dear Friend) you have to remember, there is Jewish blood in me now!"