The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[TBWG]

When you walk out the door in the morning and see a sky like this ...
 
... just  go back inside, have another cup of coffee and stay home.  It's NOT going to be a good day. 
 

TBWG

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[den Buut]

At least it's sunny.

[urleft]

Why Dogs attack their masters:




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[urleft]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it
was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said,

Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially
raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said

"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted:
"I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied,

"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."

[TBWG]

To  avoid it...  Flu that is

Eat  right!

Make  sure you get your daily dose of fruit  and veggies.



Take  your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.



Get  plenty of exercise because it builds your immune  system.



Walk  for at least an hour a day,

go  for a swim,


take  the stairs instead of the lift, etc.


Wash  your hands often.
If  you can't,   keep  a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


Get  lots of fresh air.
Open  doors & windows whenever possible.



Try  to eliminate as much stress from  your life as you can.



Get  plenty of rest.

OR

Take  the doctor's approach. 
Think about it...
When  you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm  with alcohol...

Why?


Because  Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...


I  walk to the pub. (exercise) 

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)   

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) 

Drink  outdoors on the patio..(fresh air) 

Tell rude jokes and  laugh....(eliminate stress) 

Then I pass out.  (rest)


The way I see it...


If  you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu  germs  can't  get you!
As  my grandmother always said, 
'A shot in the glass 
is  better than one in the ass!'
               


Live  Well - 
Laugh Often - 
Love Much

 
TBWG

[TBWG]

        A Newfoundlander walked into the local welfare office in Toronto to pick up his check.  He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.  You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a full-time job."

        The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is perfect. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes.
         
        "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

        This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual needs as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

        The Newfoundlander, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

        The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
         

[TBWG]

 

Henry died in a  fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify  the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and  Gomer.

The three men had always done everything  together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back  the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You  better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter  said, 'Nope, ain't Henry '

The mortician thought this was rather  strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the  body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well  burnt up.

Roll him  over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't  Henry '

The mortician  asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said,  'Well, Henry had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked  the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to  say:

'There's Henry with them two  assholes.' 
 

TBWG

[den Buut]

  That's a good one.

[jamesthailand]

my first joke here. 

Logical Thinking

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who recommended him to take history or logical thinking class.

“What’s logical thinking?” the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logical thinking, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logical thinking class!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

“So what class are ya taking’?” asked the friend.

“logical thinking class!” replied the first redneck.

“What the hell is logical thinking?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re gay, ain’t ya?”

[urleft]

Here a tale of a Brit moving to Australia.


August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13

Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th

Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th

Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th

Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25

This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.

October 30th

The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4

Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8

If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9

Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10

Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!

November 20th

Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!

December 1

WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!

[TBWG]

A  Northern    Territories (Oz) farm hand, radios back to the farm manager.
   'Boss, I got one helluva problem here... I hit a ruddy pig with the truck. The pig seems OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars on the front and is wriggling and squealing so blady much, ah can't get 'im out.
   
   The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 Rifle behind the seat in the rack, take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove it.'
   
   Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the gun, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
   
   'So what's the f**king problem na mate?' raged the Manager.'
   
   Well boss, it's his motor-bike....it's stuck under the wheel arch and the bloody blue light won't stop flashing..'
   
   '...........................................ullo - you still there Boss?

 TBWG    

[TBWG]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says
Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.


Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the  Connor   Pass.
 


At the  Connor   Pass  , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot
drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'


He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off
the cliff.


Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.


Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...






Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.


He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.


'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.


He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.


He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.


Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.


Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.


Paddy shakes his head and says,
'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'






IT IS NOT OVER YET...







Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.


He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.


Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Paddy shakes his head.


'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!' 


 
TBWG





   

[TBWG]

        BIG PEOPLE WORDS
         
         
        A group of primary school kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to their first year. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
         
        You need to use 'Big People' words,'  she was always reminding them.
         
        She asked John what he had done over  the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'.
         
         
        No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People'  words!'
         
        She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
         
        'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
         
        She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use  'Big People' words'.
         
        She then asked little Alex what he had done?
         
        'I read a book' he replied.
         
        That's  WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
         
        'What book did you read?'
         
         
        ( I love this...)
         
         
        Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
         
        'Winnie the SHIT'


TBWG

[TBWG]

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large  chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'.
I told him 'I wish I had your bloody will power'
 
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait '
I said ' don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually '
 
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts,Murphy meets him & says
'if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?
Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!!
Murphy says 'Four!'
 
The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,
I  thought to myself ' she'll be bloody lucky with a face like that!'
 
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


TBWG

[urleft]

See what's there?   




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