The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[Bigbus]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD.

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on  in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the
back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right
now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people.

[Admin]

You have to see this one.   

[Bigbus]

Aviation monkeys ....

A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked
in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a Line Service monkey, please." The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side
of the store  and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying,
"That'll be $1,000."

The engineer paid and left with the monkey.
 
Surprised, the first customer went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a
few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all types of aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He's well worth the money."
 
With his interest peaked, the customer then looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag.

"That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" he asked.

"Oh, that one is a Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork.

 A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The customer continued to look around the shop a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read $50,000.

Reading that, the customer said, "$50,000!!!!  ...  Holy smoke, what does this one do?"

"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and chase women, but his papers say he's a pilot!"

[Bigbus]

A blonde in church....

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor
that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now, I want the party who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
 
No one moved. 

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember,

you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again, all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. 
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend, there has been a terrible
misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan; I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

[Bigbus]

Human beings are the only animals that stutter........

 

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,

asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty

and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a r unning start and before we knew it,

he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F..k!,'

the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[buriramboy]

A frail little old lady alone in her run down house hears a knock at the front door, so she starts off to answer it, on opening the door, there stood a Hoover salesman, (a real flash git) flash suite, big cheesy grin.
“Good morning madam, beautiful day, I’m Bob and I’m from the Hoover Mantic company and do I have the deal for you”, before the little old lady could say a word, he starts again.
“Madam allow me to give you a demonstration of just what this baby can do” and with that he bends down and pick up a bucket, full to the brim with fresh dog shit.
“So confident am I that this Hoover will pick up everything off your carpet” he only stops talking to throw the bucket of dog shit onto her hall carpet, the little old lady looked on in disbelief.
Still grinning the salesman said, “don’t worry madam, this little baby will pick it all up.............anything it leaves behind….......……..I’ll eat!
There was a brief silence, the little old lady turned to the salesman and said,
“I hope you’re hungry” “why” said the salesman,
“well, said the old lady, “they cut my electric off this morning !!

[Bigbus]

FIRST TIME SEX 
............
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time..   
 
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the  pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.. 
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
 
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.   The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
 
   
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'

[Bigbus]

Women Are Evil By Nature...   

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. 
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.     

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  "Actually, no," he replied.     

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.     

 "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"     

 "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.     

 "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.   

 "Tell him," she whispered,
 "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

[Bigbus]

Blonde Joke.......

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!'

He tells her,'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!'
                             
The body builder tells her, That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'


             

[Lourens]

URGENT WARNING

Male Date-Drug

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer  is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Buriram Expats' in the phone book.

[TBWG]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being
served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.


As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and told us that
'Captain Marvey has asked
me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up,that would be super.'

On his trip back up the
aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking
woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear
me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'


She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I
am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'


To which(I swear)the flight attendant replied, without
missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called
a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch.'
 

[TBWG]

Women who know there place!

Hi Bums

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?' The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go ): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN


TBWG

[urleft]

A woman & her boyfriend are having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink and wants to order it for him. He gives in. The bartender puts a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, & a shot of lime juice on the bar. She explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys & hold it in your mouth, & finally you drink the lime juice." He goes along to please her. He puts the salt on his tongue-salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys-smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks, "This is OK." Finally he picks up the lime juice & drinks it. In 1 sec the sharp lime taste hits. At 2 secs the Baileys curdles. At 3 secs the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits. At 4 secs it feels as if his mouth is full of nasty salty snot. When he finally chokes it down he says yuck what do u call that drink?
 


She smiles widely and says "Blow Job Revenge"   

[nico]

Guts or Balls
 There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them ?

 In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

 GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

 BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You're next, Chubby.”

 I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

 Both result in death.

[Admin]

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.