The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[troglet]

Did you hear about the woman who sat on a circular saw?


Disaster .....

[den Buut]

A baboon went in to a bar and ordered a beer. '"That's 20 pounds please", said the bartender, thinking a baboon knows nothing about money.
Then the bartender stood back and said "I don't see that often, a baboon in my bar".
At which the baboon said '' I can imagine that, with these kind of prices".

[Bigbus]

 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my
 SIN. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
 verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
 at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
 home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
 So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
 She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and
 she processed my Social Security application.
 When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
 Social Security office.
 She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
 disability, too."

[urleft]

Subject: Good Restaurant..................

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.  Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts. 



10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.



10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. 



10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.   



10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.  Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.   

[Bigbus]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that, 'Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
 
 
 
 
 

[urleft]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much?  I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

[Bigbus]

 
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope
went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
 
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork
admits that there is an error.
 
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified."
 
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
 
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
 
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
 
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
 
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
 
Tiger: "Why is that?"
 
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
 
Tiger: "You're a day late!"

[Bigbus]

Super Husband....

A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is

sitting in the seat next to him.

 

"No," he says, "The seat is empty." 

 

"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would 

have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

 

The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was 

supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first 

Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

 

"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.

 

But couldn't you find someone else - - a friend or relative, or even

a neighbor to take the seat?"

 

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

 

 

 

[troglet]

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'   

[Khun_wes]

What goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and sticky?

A piece od chewing gum   

[troglet]

Blimey it's hard work getting rid of the Newbie tag!

Ok, oldies but goldies.

How to make a cat bark ...

Take one cat, cover said cat in lighter fuel, strike a match and hold it against the cat and the cat will go ....

WHHOOOOFF!

 

QED.

How to make a dog meow ..


Take one dog, go down to your local timber merchant's. Run said dog through a circular saw and the dog will go ...

MMMEEEEEEAAAAAAOOOOOOOW !!!

QED.

[troglet]

Right then ... no limericks until now, so ...

An amoeba named Sam and his brother,
Were having a drink with each other,
In the midst of their quaffing,
They split their sides laughing,
And now each of them is a mother!

Think about it ...

[Admin]

The difference if you marry a glasgow girl

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Glasgow. He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn't see anything.
By the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.


He still has some difficulty when he pees. 

-------------------------------------------



A drunk

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!   

[Bigbus]

Husband Down




 

    A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

     'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

    'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

    'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

    'Its my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,'  replies the wife.

    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

    On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

[Lourens]

 The universe is expanding. That should help to ease Bangkok traffic...