The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[urleft]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a  priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.. When  he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope...  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
 
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
 
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips.

 

 When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."   

[Bigbus]

Today's Laugh



A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could  perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and say something in a normal, conversational speaking tone
and see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She turns to him and yells......
"Ralph! ..... for the  FIFTH  friggin' time,  it's CHICKEN!"

[TBWG]

Bottle of Merlot


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the bottle back'

[Lourens]

A True Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[Bigbus]

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


    Men Are Just Happier People--

    Your last name stays put.
    The garage is all yours.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Chocolate is just another snack.
    You can never be pregnant.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    The world is your urinal.
    You never have to drive to another petrol station
    restroom because this one is just too icky.
    You don't have to stop and think of which
    way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    Same work, more pay.
    Wrinkles add character.
    People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
    New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    One mood all the time.

    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    You know stuff about tanks and engines.
    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    You never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    Everything on your face stays its original colour.
    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
    You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
    You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
    You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

    No wonder men are happier

 

[urleft]

A woman d ecides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.


She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper... Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.  She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.  She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[Admin]

 

A policeman stops a track driver, his car is full with a lot of boxes.
- What are you carrying?
- Apples.
- And what you're holding in your hand?
- Apple seeds. I'm afraid to lose them because they're far more valuable then the apples. One seed only costs 500 baht, because eating apple seeds makes you smarter.
The police scratches his chin, he thinks a lot and then he say:
- You know what, sell me one apple seed.
He eats the seed and after that:
- With 500 baht I could have bought a box full of apples and eat them and their seeds, instead I've bought only one seed from you.
- You've done right you've bought the apple seed. You're already smarter, don't you see?!.
- You know what? You're right! Here, take another 1500 baht and give me another 3 seeds.

[urleft]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Bigbus]

Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009 


Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'

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Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.   
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.   
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.   
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'


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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[3100034]

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.

In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbat, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.

He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

[attachment deleted by admin]

[Bigbus]

 * Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Tiger Jokes.......


* Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

* Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

* Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie.

* What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

* What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

* Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

* Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.

* What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger Woods can drive them both into the trees.

* Anyone done a haiku yet?

Tiger flees from wife
Water sprays from fire hydrant
Then tree falls victim.

* Elin's new theme song from Jazmine Sullivan: I Bust the Windows out Your Car!!!

And here are your Tiger Woods prop bets, as seen on Bodog.com:

Will Tiger Woods publicly admit to having an affair by December 31st 2009?

Yes +200
No -260

(Hope you bet yes. This one appears to have been settled).

Will Tiger Woods and his wife separate before December 31st 2009?

Yes -150
No +120

Will Tiger Woods leave his wife for Rachel Uchitel by December 31st 2010?

Yes +500
No -1000

(Tiger Woods must be separated or divorced from his wife then publicly admit to dating Rachel Uchitel for "Yes" to be graded as the winner)

Will Tiger Woods' reported mistress Rachel Uchitel pose for Playboy by December 31st 2010?

Yes +145
No -175

Good luck.

[urleft]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

- 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back,

- 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.....

- 'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

 

[TBWG]

In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following:

"The  best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so temperamental."


TBWG

[Bigbus]

Story Of My Life........

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[swimming pizza]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
Ever wonder why?













It's because she smells like a new car