The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[Lourens]

This one got me started this morning:

Know the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits . . .

[Admin]

Here is 1 more link to Thai local jokes.. 

http://www.thaipulse.com/thailand-index-card-jokes/

[Lourens]

A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins don't have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said it looked like he blew a seal.

[Admin]

That was good. 

Give me more ! 

[TBWG]

That was good. 

Give me more ! 

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.  'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father.  'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.’ You Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can 
give life.’

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.’

'Oh Father, that's wonderful...
           ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'   


TBWG
 
 
 
 

[3100034]

Thailand  LOVE STORY

 A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
 After having great sex, she spent the next hour
 just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

 As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing  that?"

 â€œBecause”, she replied, "I miss mine."

 Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???
 
 www.missladyboys.com
 

 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

There is nothing like the power of a good argument ... or a strong
negotiation
 
 
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
 
 
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest.  They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
 
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for
$450.00.
 
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.  He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
 
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
 
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
 
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
 
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.  He goes on
to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
famous.  'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas
perform here,' the Manager says.
 
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
 
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
 
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't
use it!'
 
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
 
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.  'But sir,' he says,
'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
 
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my
wife.'
 
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
 
'Well, too bad,' the man replies.  'She was here and you could have!'


TBWG
 

[Bigbus]

Nun In A Cab:


A cabbie picks up a Nun. 
 
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
 
She asks him why he is staring.
 
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
 
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
 
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
 
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
 
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
 
"OK"  the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
 
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
 
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
 
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
 
"Forgive me but I've sinned.  I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
 
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

[Admin]

[Bigbus]

Subject: Anger Management
 
Husband says: When I get mad at you, You never fight back. How do you control your anger?
 
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
 
Husband says: How does that help?
 
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush......

[Bigbus]

Southerners Are So Polite.......



Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 522 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.
 
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
 
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
 
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC" 

Atlanta ATC:       "Go ahead Saudi Air 522."
 
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
 
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
 
 

[Lourens]

Dating tip: It's important to have somebody that can make you laugh, somebody you can trust, somebody that, y'know, turns you on... And it's really, really important that these three people don't know each other. 

[urleft]

I was banned from the on-line dating site.

On your response to the Question:  What do you want most in a Woman?


My dixk in not an acceptable answer.

Application denied.

[Bigbus]

Wonderful English from Around the World:

 

In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway : LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok : DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi : TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ...

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia : THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan : YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest : IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich : BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :  LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[urleft]

HELL EXPLAINED   

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 

 One student, however, wrote the following: 

 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.