The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[Admin]

See what's there?   

haaaaaa. I hate these photos, was very popular on the 90's.
all I can is 3-4 people standing on profile position..?! 

[jamesthailand]

Airplane Joke

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[den Buut]

Those Qantas guys have a great sence of humor

[urleft]

See what's there?   

haaaaaa. I hate these photos, was very popular on the 90's.
all I can is 3-4 people standing on profile position..?! 

Nope, it's a single dog (or wolf, or coyote)

[TBWG]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien
said, ' I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will
fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus
patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop
his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

TBWG

[TBWG]

 

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,  'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

  TBWG

[TBWG]

Old Chinese Proverb


 Confucius say,


"If you are in a book store and cannot find
The book for which you search, you are obviously
in the.....


TBWG

[attachment deleted by admin]

[TBWG]

The Project of the Day at the Home for the Aged was, “Try to create something from memory”.     
 

TBWG

[attachment deleted by admin]

[TBWG]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O'Neil, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken'.



TBWG

[Admin]

The Project of the Day at the Home for the Aged was, “Try to create something from memory”.     
 

TBWG

 

[TBWG]

>  BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:
>
> An Aussie walks into a   pub and takes a seat
> next to a very attractive woman.
>
>   
> He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
>
> The woman notices this and asks,
> 'Is your date running late?'
> 'No', he replies,
> 'I just got this state-of the-art
> watch, and I was just testing it..'
>
> The intrigued woman says,
> 'a state-of-the-art watch?
> ''What's so special about it?'
> The Aussie explains,
> 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
> telepathically.'
> The lady says,
> 'What's it telling you now?'
>
> Well, it says you're not wearing any
> panties.'
> The woman giggles and replies
> 'Well it must be broken because
> I am wearing panties!'
>
> The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and
> says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'


TBWG
>
> 
>    
>

[TBWG]

Charades .............

TBWG

[attachment deleted by admin]

[SEABY]

 

[fox]

It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti
straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.
He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.
The husband, noticing the apes excitement,
suggests that his wife tease the ape.

The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.

Then her husband suggests that she let
one of the straps of her dress slips down.
She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.

Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.
This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the
age, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and
gleefully rubbing his hands together says:

"Now, tell him you have a headache."

[TBWG]

Lord, they are finally together!
 

Joan got married and had 13 children.  Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.  Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Joan again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Joan finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
 

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,


"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,



"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel... her legs"
 
 

TBWG