Jokes

[Thai Bart]

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[iammike]

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

I lost my girlfriend's audiobook, and now I'll never hear the end of
it.

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c? Because you can't see in the

dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, he gave me a
blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says,
"Oh
no, not U2 again."

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it's a whole
sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's
walk, and the result was staggering.

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players
are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't
lie, it was a rocky road

What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar?
There, their, they're.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the
Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing his
own incision? Suture self.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried
grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

[Smithy]

A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here??

The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

[CO-CO]

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[CO-CO]

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[ChuckNorris]

I am not bloody happy!


It is not easy being a Forest fan these days......

What's the difference between a triangle and Nottm Forest?

I'm a Fulham fan. You might be hearing quite a bit from me if things continue as they are. 

[Smithy]

What's the difference between a triangle and Nottm Forest?

A Triangle has 3 points 

[Smithy]

Two men fishing on a river bank in a remote area of Somerset on a Saturday afternoon miles away from a radio or TV, suddenly one man turns to the other and says 'Forest have lost again'.
The other man was astonished and said 'how on earth do you know that ?'
The other man replied 'It's quarter to five.'

[CO-CO]

I am not bloody happy!


It is not easy being a Forest fan these days......

What's the difference between a triangle and Nottm Forest?

I'm a Fulham fan. You might be hearing quite a bit from me if things continue as they are. 

You will have to do better than that Chuck  -  after 54 years of supporting Forest my skin is thick enough to take jibes like that  .....and from Smithy the Yid.


Fulham ?  That is unusual, not the biggest fan base, what is the connection?

I am impressed with Fulham especially Mitrovic. A good manager in Marco Silva - but so was Scott Parker.

[ChuckNorris]

I am not bloody happy!


It is not easy being a Forest fan these days......

What's the difference between a triangle and Nottm Forest?

I'm a Fulham fan. You might be hearing quite a bit from me if things continue as they are. 

You will have to do better than that Chuck  -  after 54 years of supporting Forest my skin is thick enough to take jibes like that  .....and from Smithy the Yid.


Fulham ?  That is unusual, not the biggest fan base, what is the connection?

I am impressed with Fulham especially Mitrovic. A good manager in Marco Silva - but so was Scott Parker.

Born and spent my youth in Reigate. Nearest grounds, in order at the time, Selhurst Park, Pough Lane, Craven Cottage then Stamford Bridge.

Not supporting Palace goes without saying. Wimbledon were still the unknown. Between Chelsea and Fulham. Everyone seemed to support Chelsea. Thought I would be different.

Don't follow so much now. Keep up with the scores and position in the league but that's about it.

Didn't know Smithy was Spurs. Flying start this season.

[Smithy]

Didn't know Smithy was Spurs. Flying start this season.

From Bromley , Lived opposite Bromley Town FC's  ground on Hayes Lane  and went to most of the  home games as a kid  ,also went to Palace sometimes .Started following Spurs when in the First Division ( now EPL ) when I was collecting Football cards .Like you I dont follow Bromley or Palace now but Keep up with the scores and position in the league. I still watch Football but since all this taking the knee shit and Spurs having a LGBT flag covering the tunnel I've lost some interest in the game .  Sorry this  virtue signalling is not a bit of me. Get woke , Go broke !!

[CO-CO]

Didn't know Smithy was Spurs. Flying start this season.

From Bromley , Lived opposite Bromley Town FC's  ground on Hayes Lane  and went to most of the  home games as a kid  ,also went to Palace sometimes .Started following Spurs when in the First Division ( now EPL ) when I was collecting Football cards .Like you I dont follow Bromley or Palace now but Keep up with the scores and position in the league. I still watch Football but since all this taking the knee shit and Spurs having a LGBT flag covering the tunnel I've lost some interest in the game .  Sorry this  virtue signalling is not a bit of me. Get woke , Go broke !!

Bromley/Reigate only 20 odd miles apart you two could have been twins!   

[ChuckNorris]

Didn't know Smithy was Spurs. Flying start this season.

From Bromley , Lived opposite Bromley Town FC's  ground on Hayes Lane  and went to most of the  home games as a kid  ,also went to Palace sometimes .Started following Spurs when in the First Division ( now EPL ) when I was collecting Football cards .Like you I dont follow Bromley or Palace now but Keep up with the scores and position in the league. I still watch Football but since all this taking the knee shit and Spurs having a LGBT flag covering the tunnel I've lost some interest in the game .  Sorry this  virtue signalling is not a bit of me. Get woke , Go broke !!

Bromley/Reigate only 20 odd miles apart you two could have been twins!   

Ah, yes. That must have been what caused the confusion on the Surin forum. 

[CO-CO]

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[iammike]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This my asthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget?Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor,isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.