Jokes

[Tassie]

Rodney Dangerfield's - BEST-1-LINERS Part 1
Regards

[jivvy]

 

[Smithy]

 

[DeputyDavid]

Lol. Absolutely true!

[Smithy]

 

[jivvy]

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A teenage boy asks his granny: ?Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?? Granny replies: ? The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen??

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: ?What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?? Hubby looks her up and down and replies: ?Your sense of humor!?
(Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00. )

6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.
(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8 . I woke up this morning at 11:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds now serve breakfast all day.

9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!?

10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

11 . The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
(The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month. )

BACTERIA...It's the only culture some people have!

[jivvy]

 

[Tassie]

Benefits Question!
Dear Member of Parliament,
I have a rather complicated Benefits Question.
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.  My father eventually married her without my authorization.
 
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife  (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my  grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
 
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
 
My son is also my step-mother's  brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have  become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know  the following:
 
So my question is - Does my son,  who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother  fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
 
Sincerely yours,
 
Abdul Mohammed
 
 THE   REPLY:
 
 Of course you qualify Abdul Mohammed! When I become PM I?ll arrange to start depositing benefits to the bank accounts for all of you just as soon as you arrive here.

[Tassie]

Rodney Dangerfield Has Carson Hysterically Laughing (1979)


Regards

[Smithy]

An airplane was going down & everybody knew they would crash in the ocean below.

A rich lady takes off all her clothes and puts on every diamond she has on her body. The passengers all look at her and say, "What are you doing ?!"

She says "When we are in the ocean, my diamonds will sparkle and I will be the first one they find."

Then another woman takes off all her clothes and covers herself with $100 dollars bills. The passengers all look at her and say, "Now what are you doing??"

She says, "When we are in the ocean, the $100 dollar bills will be floating all around me and they will find me first".

Then a black lady tears off some of her clothes and gets just ... butt-naked! All the passengers look at her and say ... "What are you doing ?!"

The black lady says ... "Boy, you know, the first thing they always look for is the BLACK BOX!!!

 

[jivvy]

Nookie's Delights...(sorry  but couldn't resist the urge to post it)

[Smithy]

   

[jivvy]

 

[urleft]

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."


Goldberg goes over to the Meyer?s condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?


Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.


"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

[Smithy]