Jokes

[Tassie]

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THEAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR. GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO
"WHO WAS MR. GORSKY?":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.  HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
MR. GORSKY,
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.     
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT
Regards

[Tassie]

The Will
This is especially for Seniors but also for those who have not prepared their Will!!
 
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
 
The nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
 
He asks that 2 witnesses be present and a camcorder in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
 
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the east bank of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize the extent of his real estate holdings, and as Mr. Smith slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have worked very hard to have accumulated so much property".
 
To which the wife replied, "The idiot had a paper route."
 
Regards

[Tassie]

For all my fishing friends.
Regards

[Tassie]

Cairns, Australia tourist video
Those with a sensitive nature should avoid opening this link.
Regards

[jivvy]

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too

[Tassie]

Top joke.  I'm stil laughing.
Regards

[Tassie]

Nigel the bear hunter.

Regards

[Tassie]

Japs and stuff
Regards

[maraudingscot]

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she?s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that?s parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank?s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
?We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we?re a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000??
?Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?

[Smithy]

A group of guys,all turning 40,discussed where they should meet for Lunch.
Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini shirts
Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for Lunch
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the Beer selection was excellent
Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking ,they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money
Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled
Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before
 

[Smithy]

 I went to my local dentist and asked how much to have a tooth extracted. 800 baht he said.
Bloody hell was my response, why so expensive?
It's the anaesthetic he said, prices have gone up recently.
How much without anaesthetic then I asked?
Oh, that'd be 150 baht sir.
Perfect! I replied. Can I book the wife in for next Monday then please?
 

[Tassie]

Crazy Aboriginal Calls Defence Force
Regards

[Tassie]

                           

Dear Ma and Pa,
                               

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
 
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
 
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
 
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
 
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.
 
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.
 
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
 
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

 

Your loving daughter,
Alice

Regards

[jivvy]

At Heathrow airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, ?Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I?m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.?

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, ?Your Majesty, please don?t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn?t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.?

[jivvy]

A successful businessman, Pavel, flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round flight ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he?d be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a taxi waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the taxi driver. He promised to send the driver money from home. Pavel offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc?

The driver said, ?If you don?t have twenty dollars, get the hell out of my car!?

So the businessman Pavel was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later Pavel, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Las Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a taxi back to the airport. Well who should he see out there at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

Pavel thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

Pavel got in the first taxi in the line, ?How much for a ride to the airport,? he asked?

?Twenty bucks,? driver replied.

?And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way??

?What did you say ?! Get the hell out of my car.?

Pavel got into the back of each taxi in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ?How much for a ride to the airport??

The taxi driver replied, ?Twenty bucks.?

Pavel said  OK, and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of taxis, Pavel gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers