Jokes

[Tassie]

The two Ronnies = By The Sea
When comedy was clean and clever.
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[Tassie]

Open All Hours - s01e06 - Apples And Self Service
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[Tassie]

The Two Ronnies: Drunken Wedding Speech
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiP_vysgU5E

[urleft]

FAMOUS QUIPS

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ?Lillian, you should have
remained a virgin.?
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ?No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.?
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you?ll become happy;
if you get a bad one,
you?ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can?t buy you happiness ....
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP!
- Joe Namath

I don?t feel old. I don?t feel anything until noon. Then it?s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don?t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it?s true that life begins at fifty,
but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he?s too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist?s diet:
if it tastes good spit it out

[Tassie]

The Two Ronnies The Australians
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ttps

[Tassie]

Australian Cane Toads
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[Tassie]

King Billy Cokebottle (Goat)
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[rufusredtail]

This just shows we must not believe in google absolutely!
 
Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue......!

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said?..
 
                               
"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."

[Tassie]

I just bought a Chinese concrete pump and it uses no electricity or fuel.
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[Tassie]

An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.   
Dear Jase,   I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won?t be able to plant my potato garden this year; I?m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.   
A few days later he received a letter from his son.   
Dear Dad,   For heaven?s sake, don?t dig up that garden, that?s where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.   
At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.   
Dear Dad.   Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It?s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.
Regards

[Tassie]

 
A destroyer stops four Muslims in a rowboat rowing towards London.
The Captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Illegals puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading England, To proclaim Sharia Law and to reap the social security benefits." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.
 
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
 
The same illegal Muslim cue jumper stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
 
 
 
 

[Tassie]

Talking dog for sale $10
A number of years ago when I was working at a Sydney newspaper as a printer, I noticed a new ad in the for sale Pets section of the paper.  It said. "Talking dog for sale $10." I finished work at 2 am in the morning and out of curiosity I copied the contact phone number in the Ad.
It was about 5am in the morning when I called the number of the dig owner. 
I apologized to the owner for the early wakeup call and asked him where I could see the dog as I wanted to be the first to see it.
By good chance the owner lived only a 5 minutes drive by car from my house.  At the arranged time at 7 am in the morning I arrived at the dog owners house and knocked on the front door.  After initial greetings the owner led me to the lounge room.
It was there that I saw the dog sitting in a recliner chair wearing reading glasses and thumbing through the morning's newspaper. On the side table was a hot cup of coffee which I was told later, by the owner, was a ritual the dog performed every morning to help him wake up.
To test if what I was seeing was legit I said, "Good day mate" surprisingly the dog lowered the paper looked up at me and said. "Good morning sir". How is it that you can speak perfect English, I asked?  Well you see it all started out when I was a pup.  My mother who was a bitch had a litter of 8 pups of which I was one of them.  It turned out I had a gift and was the only pup out of the litter that could speak English.
Well, as I got older I was able to land a job as a spy with the CIA.  I would attend diplomatic dinners and meeting with foreign dignitaries, just walk around listening to all the secret discussions taking place and of course relay what was said back to my controllers.  I did this without suspicion because I was only thought of as a dumb dog.
I had this job for a number of years and despite all the very best steaks and food I decided that I had had enough and resigned.
I then met a real bitch and had a litter of pups with her but I got bored with her as her tits began to sag and all she could do was bark at me.  Once gain I thought enough is enough and bummed around for a while until I met my current owner.
I then turned to the owner amazed at the conversation I just had with the talking dog and asked him, "Why are you selling this dog for only $10?"  He said, "Because he is a F---n liar, he did none of this."

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[Tassie]

Rodney Rude at McDonalds
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[Tassie]

Tribute to Ronnie Barker Quick Indian Cooking
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[Tassie]

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of discomfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff.
I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs,
"and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Regards