Jokes

[Tassie]

Benny Hill    The Handyman
Regards

[Tassie]

Fat Pizza S05E07 - Cracker Pizza
Regards

[Smithy]

A Man goes to the Doctors and says he's feeling depressed.

The Doctor says " I want to prescribe you a new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug "

The Man replies "I would prefer to hear bad news first".

The Doctor says " Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, its will cause erectile dysfunction ,deafness and you may get ringing in your ears."

The Man asks " And the good news ? "

The Doctor replies "You won't give a f^^k." 

[Smithy]

 

[Tassie]

Two old ladies meet in Heaven.

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

 

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

 

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

 

WANDA: How horrible!

 

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.What about you?

 

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching television.

 

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

 

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

 

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive today!
Regards

[Smithy]

For UK Members #6

[Tassie]

Disorder In The Court | The Three Stooges
Regards


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOLx5HqIcgA

[Smithy]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Ireland, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[jivvy]

Careful What You Ask For.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!"
"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?'"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'
I looked at her and replied, How about a little head?

[Tassie]

 MAMA'S BIBLE


 One evening, four brothers chatted together after dinner .
 They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

 

- The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
- The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the  house."

-The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
 -The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I bought her a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers over 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

 The other brothers were impressed.
 
 After the birthday celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
 

She wrote:
 Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
 Thanks anyway."
 
 "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.
 The thought was good. Thanks anyway."

 "Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre that can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it.
 Thank you for the gesture just the same."
 
 "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
 The chicken was delicious.Thank you so much."

 Love, Mama
Regards

[iammike]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published  by court reporters who had to keep a straight face.
_______________________________

BARRISTER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ?Where am I, Cathy??
BARRISTER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
BARRISTER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
BARRISTER: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
BARRISTER: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can?t remember which.
BARRISTER: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
BARRISTER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
BARRISTER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
BARRISTER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
BARRISTER: Now doctor, isn?t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn?t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
BARRISTER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He?s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
BARRISTER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
BARRISTER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
BARRISTER: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
BARRISTER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
BARRISTER: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different barrister. Can I get a new barrister?
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
BARRISTER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
BARRISTER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
BARRISTER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I?m going with male.
_____________________________________
BARRISTER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your barrister?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
BARRISTER: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
BARRISTER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral?
_________________________________________
BARRISTER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
BARRISTER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

BARRISTER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
BARRISTER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
BARRISTER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
BARRISTER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
BARRISTER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
BARRISTER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Smithy]

Have you noticed how many Formula One drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?
Stirling Moss.
Lewis Hamilton.
Eddie Irvine.
Ayr Town Centre.

 

[CO-CO]

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[Smithy]

Always best to apologize

[Thai Bart]

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