Jokes

[Tassie]

A Funny true Story from the Australian Gas Company

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away as anybody might.

In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was required to:-

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.
 'You just could not make it up.'
Regards

[jivvy]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of
the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I
made it home OK!

[Tassie]

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bush fire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck"
Regards

[Tassie]

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
Regards

[urleft]

 How does every Aussie joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.

 What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male?
The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation?
Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

A Kiwi, an Englishman, and an Australian walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

What do Australians put in their pockets that Americans throw away?
Snot.

How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a woman's job.

Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because their children play inside.

What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
One less drunk at the funeral

Why did the wombat cross the road?
To see its flat mate

Why isn't the Australian national football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead.

When is a bear not a bear?
If he doesn't have the right koalifications.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato!

What did the Australian do after raking the leaves?
He fell out of the tree

Why do Australian football players do so well in math?
They know how to use their heads.

What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.

How do you apologize to a koala?
BEAR your heart and soul.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

How does a kangaroo pick his favorite rugby team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.

What does an Australian politican have in common with an Aussie pornstar's mouth?
They're both full of shit.

What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip Hop Australians don't have sex, Australians mate.

Religious Australian Cowboy A devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Fishing Buddies A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.
After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

A Girl In Sydney Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in Sydney gave me a sexually transmitted disease". His mate replies "you were lucky, in Darwin you would have had to pay for it!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/australianjokes/australianjokes.html

[Tassie]

An elderly Aboriginal couple are crossing a road on a pedestrian crossing on the fringe of a country town when a drunken, Redneck hoon in a four-wheel drive screams over the hill at 150 kph in a 60 kph zone and strikes them. One Aborigine is thrown violently through the air and lands 50 metres away in the bush. The other is also thrown into the air - but crashes through the windscreen, landing on the vehicle's back seat.

"Er, Er, will there be any charges, mate?", slurs the tattooed vegie slumped behind the wheel to the policeman who arrives at the scene. "My bloody oath", says the cop. "We'll charge the one in the bush with leaving the scene of an accident without giving his name and address, and we'll get the one on the back seat on breaking and entering."
Regards   

[jivvy]

 

[jivvy]

 

[jivvy]

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not crap in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening....

[jivvy]

 

[Tassie]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Regards

[Tassie]

Jehovah Witnesses Had A Bad Day



Regards

[Tassie]

Bruce the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"  When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

 When he came back, the woman said "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."
Regards

[tommynew]

That was irishmen in its last life

[Tassie]

About 27% of the convicts that came to Australia were Irish, so I suppose great talent always rises to the top, especially turf layers. Remember Australia is situated "Down Under" so I expect that the NZ turf layers may have been confused being Irish as they are.There are roughly 600,000 New Zealanders today of Irish ancestry.  I love the Irish.
Regards