Every guy has stories to tell about their raunchiest moments in life.
You remember ? ..... back in the days when you had a magnificent mop of hair and you looked the duck's nuts in Speedos.
I divorced my Aussie wife when I was 40yo, so I still had unused petrol in my tank, but nowhere to go.
Finding myself single at 40 was a bit of a shock, but thankfully there was the "Men Seeking Women" page in the local papers. Advertising myself as an early 1990's version of Brad Pitt, Romeo and Bill Gates all rolled into one, seemed to do the trick.
The old story of "some really ugly blokes can pull amazing women" was certainly true in my case, and I had a ball. If I'd been a woman, people would've called me a slut .... but being a bloke, my mates just said "you're a legend ...."
Anyway .... here's one short funny story from that period.
I had an real bombshell girlfriend for about 2 years. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, tanned bikini body ...... fcuked if I know what she saw in me, but I wasn't going to ask.
So .... 2 weeks after meeting each other, we'd had several romantic dates doing the "get to know you" stuff. No leg over yet.
"Keep on chipping away Smoooth" I kept reminding myself. "It'll come."
Next date, we're in a swish seafood restaurant in Perth on a Friday night. Place was chockers. Seemed as though the whole joint was staring at us. Well .... more likely at my girlfriend.
Teeny weeny red mini dress, killer stilettos, cleavage that made you want to jump right in, long blonde hair .......
.............................. phwrrrrr ..... where was I ?
Oh yes ..... anyway, dinner is going swimmingly. Great food, couple of bottles of chilled white wine, terrific pitter patter conversation. I'm in love.
Half way through dessert she says "Smoooth honey .... will you excuse me .... I'm off to the Ladies bathroom."
Oh shit was my first thought. She's doing a runner out the back door ! 10 minutes later, I'm still sitting alone, then I noticed heads turning.
She's back. Looking even more radiant than before .... powdered her nose, put some more lippy on .... you know ..... girl's stuff ..... what they do in the movies.
She looks stunning amazing. Then she leans over towards me a little and whispers "give me your hand."
At this stage I'd have happily murdered every patron in the restaurant if she asked me to do it !
I offered my upturned hand to her. She gently placed her hand on top of mine and gave me something. Very small, very soft.
"Open your hand very slowly, very discreetly." she whispered.
My heart was racing. I had no idea what was in my hand. Slowly, discreetly I took a peek.
It was the tiniest black g-string I've ever seen. Put it in a matchbox.
"Take me somewhere Smoooth"
It was the most erotic moment I'd ever experienced. By a country mile. Forget about the Kharma Sutra. This blew my brain big time.
Somewhere after this, I realised I had her knickers in my hand, which meant she had no panties on. This hightened the eroticism even more ..... in a crowded really busy restaurant and she's getting her gear off .... and nobody else knew.
The naughtiness of the situation was incredibly erotic and highly amusing.
I dropped a fork, a dessert spoon and my car keys onto the floor under the table on 3 occasions, just to take a peek to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
Bill please !! We're outta here
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