Quickie jokes

[Ahab]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Big C. The husband picks up a ...case of Beer Leo and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only 350 baht for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a 700 baht jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer Leo and it's half the price!

[Speros]

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[Muhendis]

Definition of a conductor:-
"A person that stands in front of the orchestra trying to wave his arms in time with the music".

Q. How do you know its a drummer at the front door.
A. When he knocks he gets louder and faster......

[smoooth2]

After a night of heavy drinking, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up next to a really really ugly woman.
Only then did he realise that he'd made it home safely.

My mate has just hired an Eastern European domestic housemaid. Took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.
Apparently she's a Slovak

Since the big snow started, all my wife does is stare through the window.
If it gets any heavier, I suppose I'll have to let her in.

Middle aged woman standing naked in front of the mirror.
She asks her husband "What turns you on the most ... my pretty face, or my sexy body ?"
He replies thoughtfully  "Your sense of humour."

Paddy says to Mick "I see Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Mick replies "Let's hope it's not the 13th then ..."

[binnsy]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
 

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
 
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
 And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
 
'Can you give us an example?'
 
'Thou shall not kill.'
 
'Not kill? We're not interested.'
 
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
 
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
 
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are..
We're not interested.'
 
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
 
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
 
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
 
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
 
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
 
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
 
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
 'I have Commandments ....'
 
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
 
'They're free.'
 
'We'll take 10.'

[binnsy]

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
 The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a x...
 The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
 Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
 The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

[raydee]

when i heard 160 indians died in a crash i was surprised it was an
airplane and not a nissan almera.

[raydee]

old chinese proverb say,man who walk through doorway sideway's with a hardon is going to bangkok.

-statistically,nein out of ten german women are attractive.

-getting a hardon is the only way i can get my wife to leave me alone.

-light tavels faster than sound,that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-i wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponge's?

-my wife and i are a fastidious couple,i'm fast and she's hideous.

-i had the right to remain silent, but i didn't have the ability.

-the most expensive meal you will ever eat is pussy.

-the only reason i take my wife out with me is so i don't have to kiss the cunt goodby!

[urleft]

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

[urleft]

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.

[urleft]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill".
 

 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white". The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor". A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead".

[smoooth2]

Guy sitting at the bar for 4 hours ... steadily getting more and more pissed.

Barman says "Rough day mate ? ... you ok ?"

Drunk looks up and says "Nah ... I'm in a bad way right now. The missus and I had a huge blue. She said she wasn't gonna talk to me for 6 months."

"Shit ... that's a bit rough." says the barman

Drunk says  "Tell me about it ... today's the last day !!"