Quickie jokes

[smoooth2]

Start of a new University semester, and the Lecturer is doing a roll call.

"Samantha Brown ..."
"Present"

"Richard Johnson ..."
"Present"

"Bob Fuckhauer ..."
"Present"

"You gotta be kidding Fuckhauer ... is that your real name ?"

"Yes sir ... you can ask my brother. He's doing Economics in the next room across the corridor."

Sensing a practical joke, the Lecturer stormed into the Economics class and demanded
"Have you got a Fuckhauer here ?"

"FUCKHAUER !!" said one of the students  "Hell no .... we don't even get a toilet break in this class !! ...."

[smoooth2]

There's a new Barbie doll on the shelves.

It's called Divorced Barbie

It comes with all Ken's stuff
................................

Blind man went bungee jumping.

He loved it.

But it scared the shit out of his dog !!
................................

In New Zealand ... what's a Hindu ?

Lays eggs
...............................

Why are women like condoms ?

They spend 90% of their time in your wallet ... and 10% on your dick

[smoooth2]

Men REALLY do have better friends than women.

Woman didn't come home one night. She told her boyfriend she slept over at a friends house.

He phoned her 10 best friends. None knew anything about it.

Man didn't come home one night. Next morning over breakfast he told his girlfriend that he slept at a mates house.

Girlfriend calls his 10 best friends.

8 confirmed that he slept over ... and 2 said he was still there.

[smoooth2]

Husband .... "How about a quickie ?"

Wife .... "Compared to what ?"
..................................................

Jack and Jill are having sex for the first time.

Half way through the main event Jill says "Slow down tiger ... I've got acute angina."

Jack says "Yeah I know ... and your tits are awesome too !!"
..................................................

Guy goes into a whorehouse. "What have you got available ?"

"Sorry ... we're fully booked" says the Madam

"Are you joking ... I'm desperate for a root."

"Well ... we have one girl ... but you have to wear a black condom."

"Yeah yeah ... whatever" Black condom in hand he rushes upstairs.

30 minutes later he's done. Walks past the Madam and says "She was great ... bit on the quiet side ... but very compliant and a terrific body. What was the deal about the black condom though ?"

"Respect for the dead."

[smoooth2]

An investment advisor was talking to his 90yo wealthy client.

"Sir ... I've found the most amazing investment for you. You will double your money in just 2 years !!"

"2 YEARS !!" spluttered the old guy. "Sonny Jim ... at my age I don't even buy green bananas !!"
_____________________________________________

A guy rang the local newspaper. "What's the cost of placing an ad in the Obituary section ?"

"80c per word" came the reply.

"ok ... here goes ... Jones Dead."

"That's it ? ..... sorry sir .... but there is a 5 word minimum."

"ohhh .... ok .... make it .... Jones Dead. Volkswagon for sale."

[smoooth2]

Two Irish hunters hire a plane to go moose hunting in the Canadian wilderness.

They bag six.

Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip.

The pilot says "The plane can only take 4 of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put all of them onboard. He had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in, and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy says to Mick   "Any idea where we are ?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." says Mick
____________________________________

Wife walks into the kitchen and sees hubby stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing ?" she asked

"Hunting flies." he responded

"ohhh .... killing any ?"  she asked

"yep ... 3 males and 2 females." he replied

Intrigued, she asked   "How can you tell ?"

He responded  "3 were on a beer can ... and 2 were on the phone."

[urleft]

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

[Speros]

Last night at the pizza shop I asked for "a supreme, thin and crusty" I got a picture of Dianna Ross ....

[Starman]

The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?"

"What happened? - I'll tell you what  happened!   I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today.   I got home and guess what I found?...   My wife, yes my Yvonne, with a naked guy in our marital bed!   This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.   Yvonne would never do such a thing!   Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation..."

"Yvonne didn't receive your Email"

[Speros]

UNDER THE BED

Three guys all think that their wives are cheating on them.

The first guy thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

The second guy thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.

The third guy says, "That's nothing! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe my wife is screwing a horse."

[smoooth2]

An American paratrooper jumped out of his plane. But his parachute didn't open.

Falling to the ground, he saw a black dot moving towards him.

He didn't know what it was, until he recognised a man.

"Hello" he shouted  "I'm Jim, US Army. Do you know anything about parachutes ?"

"Nice to meet you." the man replied. "I'm Paddy, Paddy's DIY Repairs, but sorry, I don't know anything about parachutes. Do you know anything about gas ovens ...?"

[dimple joe]

Following the discovery of King Richard's remains , the Leicester branch of Millets have announced a sale on all camping gear until the spring.


A spokesperson said, "Now is the winter of our discount tents"

[Albert]

         

Since I retired,  I have been searching for that "just right" volunteer job.   I just want to give back to the community a little something.   I have looked around a long time & think I might have found it.   It had to be one where I didn't feel like it was a chore.   Some-thing enjoyable.   Something a little different from the ordinary day-in, day-out routine.   At last I am truly comfortable being a ‘volunteer.   I no longer feel like my talents are being wasted on meaningless, irrelevant trivialities.  I feel good again.



    I have found the perfect retirement job ...


         

   


         

                                                                 


It’s only $12.00 an hour!

I would have paid more if they had asked.

[smoooth2]

Albert ..... I'll give you $12 an hour to be your Assistant 

There may be days when you need to take a "sickie" .......................... UNLIKELY !!

[Albert]

Sorry Smoooth2 you will have to join the queue.