Quickie jokes

[smoooth2]

Woman says to her husband "Darling ... I'd like to get my breasts enlarged"

Husband says "Rub some toilet paper on them ... it's worked on your bum !!"

[smoooth2]

Woman is pestering her husband about his lurid past.

"Come on darling ... how many women have you slept with ?"

He says "Baby ... if I tell you ... you'll just get upset and really pissed off"

She promises him that she won't ... and that she really cares and loves him.

He ponders a little and finally says "ok .... now 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and then there was you my love, then 9,10,11 ...."

[urleft]

My daughter wanted to learn to ride a horse. So I called my father and asked him if he still had that broken down nag. He said if he ever got a divorce I would be the first to know.

Now I’m waiting for the subway so I can visit him at the hospital.

[urleft]

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

[Speros]

Q: how do men sort out their laundry?

A: filthy and filthy but wearable.

[Speros]

Q: what's the difference between apple pie and pussy?

A: you can eat your mums apple pie.

[Speros]

Q: how do you find a blind man in a nudists colony?

A: it's not hard

[Speros]

 BATHTUB ANXIETIES

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

[Speros]

LITTLE JOHNNY'S STORK

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fu@ks the stork?"

[Albert]

 The Infamous Glasgow Rangers
1. If the Glasgow Rangers ever win the Coronation Cup - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
2. If they ever beat their deadliest rivals 7-1 in a major domestic cup final - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
3. If they ever reach the European Cup Semi-Final 4 times - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
4. If they ever win every competition they enter in one season - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
5. If they ever reach the European Cup Final - - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
6. If they ever reach the European Cup Final with eleven home bred Scots - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
7. If they ever reach the European Cup Final twice - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
8. If they ever WIN the European Cup - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
9. Having won 9-in-a-row - it must be a great feeling to know that for the NINTH TIME IN A ROW - you are
And always will be
2nd

[Prakhonchai Nick]

Rather a strange "JOKE"!

[Albert]

Rather a strange "JOKE"!

Glasgow Rangers are a JOKE.

[Speros]

LITTLE JOHNNY... THE WAY YOU THINK

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

[Speros]

LITTLE JOHNNY... FINDING JESUS

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

[smoooth2]

Two beautiful blonde foreign women lost and confused in Bangkok.

They ask a policeman how to get to the Royal Palace.

In his best English, he said "Catch the number 54 bus ... it will take you direct to the Royal Palace."

3 hours later the cop notices the 2 blondes still standing on the same corner.

"Why are you still here ... I told you to catch the number 54 bus."

They smiled and said "No problem officer ... won't be long now ... the 46th bus just went by."