Quickie jokes

[smoooth2]

Little boy gets home from school and says " Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years"
His Dad replies " Never mind son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"
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Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says " Look at these gorgeous women ! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees " I'm ordering one right now."
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick " Has your woman turned up yet?"
" No" said Mick " but shouldn't be too long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday !!"
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Teacher asks class to put the word " contagious" in a sentence.
Little Ronnie says " The measels are contagious."
Little Katie says " There is a bug going around and it's contagious."
Little Johnny pipes up and says "My neighbour is painting his house with a 2" brush, and Dad says it will take the contagious."
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Man walks into a book store and says " Do you have the new Self Help Book For Men With Small Dicks ?"
Girl says " I don't think it's in yet."
He replies " Yeah ... that's the one !!"

[Speros]

After battling for years to overcome my addiction to alcohol gel, I'm finally clean.


Help to teach your children how the government works by simply taking all their sweets off them and telling them to f*@k off.

[urleft]

A baby seal walk into a bar, and the bartender asks, "What will it be, stranger?"

"Anything but Canadian Club" replies the seal.

[smoooth2]

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge."
Doctor says "Take off your knickers and hop onto the bed."
He puts on his latex gloves and slides 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel ?" he asks.
"ooohh lovely"  she replies  "but the discharge is in my ear !"

[urleft]

Q.  Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

A.  Because those men already have boyfriends. 

[smoooth2]

The police came to my front door last night , holding a picture of my wife.
They said "Is this your wife Sir ?"
Shocked, I said "Yes"
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she has been in a car accident."
I said "Yeah ... I know ... but she has a lovely personality."

[smoooth2]

Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're friggin next !!

[smoooth2]

Two gay guys holidayed in London after reading Gay Travel Mags.
They were really pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
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Blonde took her car to the local workshop for a service.
Mechanic asked why there was a coathanger on the back seat.
She replied "It's just in case I lock my keys in the car !"

[Speros]

The police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car.
They told me not to be so stupid, and to sit properly.

..............................................................

Every girlfriend I've ever had has accused me of having a shit personality.
Which has given me a massive confidence boost because they must be with me for my looks.

[smoooth2]

What's the difference between a G Spot and a wayward tee shot ?

Men will look for the golf ball.
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What is a woman's definition of a perfect lover ?

A guy with a 9" tongue and can breathe through his ears.
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Why do most men die before their wife ?

They want to.
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Why do men x more often than women ?

Women don't shutup long enough to accumulate the required pressure.

[urleft]

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,
“I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

[urleft]

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

[smoooth2]

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking ?

Slow down and use a lubricant

[Speros]

My girlfriend says I only want sex when I'm drunk.
That's bullshit, I want a hamburger as well.

[Speros]

Had a strange man call me last night, he wanted to meet me in the woods naked.
Fu@king weirdo
I waited for 2 hours and he didn't come