Happy Endings Golf Society

[Vombatus]

THE ETHICS OF GOLF

No one ever promised all decisions would be easy!

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the
match was halved at the end of 17 holes.  You had the honor and hit your
ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving
a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the
right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for
his ball.  Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your
opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in
time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the
pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent from
deep in the woods: "I found It!". The second sound you hear is a click, the
sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods
and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him
with it or do you keep your mouth shut.

Ahh.

Bond, James Bond !

A classic re-enactment from the Goldfinger film

[dimple joe]

Happy Endings Golf Society

Official Communiqué

from the desk of Hon Sec



Newsflash - Hole in One

Since the addition of the "Hole in One" honours list outside the starter's window at Khao Kadong, many members have expressed a deep yearning to be included, it would indeed be good to have a farang name on the list.

Ever mindful of members needs and ablilities, the commitee has discussed this at length and have come up with a cunning plan.

We have suggested to the golf club managment that they construct an additional par three (as per the attached pic) which may give HEGS members a fighting chance; if not a hole in one, maybe a birdie or possibly a par......

Signed

Hon Sec 

[Vombatus]

I think that, from anywhere on the green, that water could still come into play !

[Bigbus]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
 
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
 
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
 
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
 
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
 
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
 
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.
 
The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."
 
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
 
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
 
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
 
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
 
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
 
She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
 
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."
 
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
 
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
 
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."
 
The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"

[Bigbus]

Aerial Map of Bubba Watson's Shot from the Trees in Master's Playoff.....

[Vombatus]

Aerial Map of Bubba Watson's Shot from the Trees in Master's Playoff.....

I can do that  - but I don't usually START from the trees.

[america]

Happy Endings Golf Society

Official Communiqué

from the desk of Hon Sec



Newsflash - Hole in One

Since the addition of the "Hole in One" honours list outside the starter's window at Khao Kadong, many members have expressed a deep yearning to be included, it would indeed be good to have a farang name on the list.

Ever mindful of members needs and ablilities, the commitee has discussed this at length and have come up with a cunning plan.

We have suggested to the golf club managment that they construct an additional par three (as per the attached pic) which may give HEGS members a fighting chance; if not a hole in one, maybe a birdie or possibly a par......

Signed

Hon Sec

Someone seems to have forgotten the best flag in the world,Just glad i was about to remind you bros.

[dimple joe]

Happy Endings Golf Society

Official Communiqué

from the desk of Hon Sec



Newsflash - Hole in One

Since the addition of the "Hole in One" honours list outside the starter's window at Khao Kadong, many members have expressed a deep yearning to be included, it would indeed be good to have a farang name on the list.

Ever mindful of members needs and ablilities, the commitee has discussed this at length and have come up with a cunning plan.

We have suggested to the golf club managment that they construct an additional par three (as per the attached pic) which may give HEGS members a fighting chance; if not a hole in one, maybe a birdie or possibly a par......

Signed

Hon Sec

Someone seems to have forgotten the best flag in the world,Just glad i was about to remind you bros.

Dear Boy,

We thank you for your comment, however misguided, regarding your national flag.

The heading using flags was agreed in commitee and shows the nationalities of our membership plus of course our host nation in alphabetical order.

To have the Stars and Stripes included would need an American to join the society.

You are most welcome, we meet on Tuesday and Thursday for an 08.00 tee off.

We are friendly with few rules and regulations but do expect players to adhere to our dress code.

Attached is a snap for your guidance in this matter.

It is, I am told, of a certain coffee baron from Prakhon Chai, who has filled out a little since it was taken.

Regards
Hon Sec HEGS

[TBWG]

Subject: Fw: Priorities


At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
 
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
 
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE..........

VERY LONG SILENCE.



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."


TBWG

[Bigbus]

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE
 
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: you mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole.
How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they
stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

[Hank Marvin]

U must have a lot of time on your hands mate

[Bigbus]

It was reported that his wife was able to get out safely and he was able to par the hole.

[TBWG]

During my last physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical
activity level.

I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7km,
through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers".

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an
outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer".

TBWG

[dimple joe]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'but I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'and I was so proud of myself! and while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...




'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

[TBWG]

Check this out ~~~~~~




TBWG