Happy Endings Golf Society

[Admin]

[TBWG]

One day a man decided to retire...



He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf Course?"

[TBWG]

A golfer playing in  Ireland   hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
 

[sugardaddyken]

Golf ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

 "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

 Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

 "That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

 "Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

 The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

 Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

 "No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

 Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

 The other guy replies, "I found it."

[dimple joe]

Happy Endings Golf Society

Official Communiqué

from the desk of Hon Sec


News
Members are advised that his grace the Duke of Llanberis has indicated that he will join us for golf on Tuesday 25th. He understands there will be some excitement amongst the lower orders but has asked that he is given no special treatment or ceremony. We should consider him just one of the blokes and act as if we were not in such aristocratic company.

I think that normal attire will suffice although Dangerous Dave's “I'm not a Gynaecologist – but I'll take a look” T shirt might be going too far.

His Grace will be accompanied by Pete or Peter who I believe is his Butler. From all accounts “the Butler” is pretty good and probably will threaten the number one position currently held by “the Shirt”.

Flood Relief
The committee's request for monies from the flood relief collections held around Thailand has been refused.  Apparently wanting to go to Bermuda for a couple of rounds because Khao Kadong has been closed has a lower priority than helping people repair their homes and businesses. Strange but true

Notice
The committee has instructed that I use the above red banner in future so that members can differentiate between important HEGS business and the recent spate of attempts to hijack this topic by persons submitting lame jokes, stories & videos etc., this is still the official organ of the society after all.

Signed

Hon Sec

[Red Jet]

Here's a guy that likes to play around ...What's your handicap Alan 

[dimple joe]

I am no expert as HEGS members will testify; but I would suggest that Alan's main handicap is probably his footwear.

His game must also be affected by the bloody awful music.

He'll no doubt improve with peace and quiet and some proper shoes.

[Red Jet]

I am no expert as HEGS members will testify; but I would suggest that Alan's main handicap is probably his footwear.

His game must also be affected by the bloody awful music.

He'll no doubt improve with peace and quiet and some proper shoes.

Have to agree with all your points Joe ,the shoe's and the gangsta music are a deferent no no 

Below is a clip of Tiger at the driving range,notice the cool way he lets the club spin through his hands after the shot and how he doesn't stand there after the shot with his arms wrapped around his neck for 10 seconds or more whilst try to make our where his ball has gone,which is most un-cool.
I think Alan shoud take Note on  how Tiger's clothes fit him and how his shirt doesn't ride up after the a shot  showing a beer tum hanging over his belt ,also leaning to the left after a shot is never going to cure a hooked shot 
This site may help...http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-cure-a-hook-the-3-ball-golf-drill

[Vombatus]

True Vision now have golf channel on 111.

Good to watch Sergio win at Valderrama today.

[TBWG]

Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.........



10. A below par performance is considered good.

9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

7. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.

3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.

2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And best of all...........

1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

 

[dimple joe]

Happy Endings Golf Society

Official Communiqué

from the desk of Hon Sec (second and last try - if the bloody server fails again I'm joining Thai Visa)


Notice
Our less regular or "occasional" members are advised that our normal routine has changed.

We now play 9 holes on Tuesday but a full 18 holes on Thursday, tee off 8am as before.

Perhaps Tuesday will change to 18 holes in the near future - watch this space.....

Maybe this will speed up the introduction of the new handicap/competition system promised by "The Butler".

News
"Rocky" Rochester, our former Chairman, is expected to visit Buriram late in December and looks forward to a game or two with HEGS.

Apparently he continues to win his battle with Annorexia so should fit right in.

No news of "Lefty" in Sweden and our French President remains incognito.

Newsflash
Your commitee has secretly been developing a revolutionary new golf buggy which it is hoped will encourage members in the sick lame or lazy category to play more frequently.

A very worthwhile project I am sure you will agree, I have personally been involved in extensive field testing as you will see from the attached photo.

Signed

Hon Sec              Merry Christmas   

[Vombatus]

This is deja vu !

Nice shirt Frank - you have even managed to make George Michael look butch by comparison ( in fact you even make Julian Clary look masculine!)

[dimple joe]

Thanks for your supportive comments Ray.

It's gratifying that my attempts to emulate your sartorial elegance are appreciated.

How long do you think my new avatar will last?

[Vombatus]

You could always inter-change it with this one:-

[dimple joe]

Looks like Binnsy's contribution got the chop.

Mod obviously can only see big things, so perhaps size does matter after all ..........