Happy Endings Golf Society

[dimple joe]

Happy Endings Golf Society

Competition Results – 03/03/2011

1st           Roger “I got this shirt in Pattaya” Ribbins
2nd           Frank “The slim good looking one” Barber
3rd           Brian “Speedy Gonzales” White
4th           “Dangerous” Dave Sabino

Equal points for first and second but won on a countback by “the shirt” – his superb par on the 8th was the clincher.

Shot of the day was by yours truly on the 5th hole.

After an unlucky tee shot into the woods left, I was miffed after a penalty shot, to see my third heading into the woods right. Luckily I had a free drop for rocks and put my fourth into the centre of the fairway with the hole at now at my mercy.

Out came my trusty five wood and summoning all my strength and experience, I struck a tremendous blow and sent the ball high and straight. Unfortunately a tree intervened and the ball sailed happily back almost to my feet.

Certain members and caddies giggled at this juncture, although our trusty Treasurer managed to keep a straight face and offered his condolences plus the loan of a chain saw later......

AGM

An emergency meeting was held after the game in the sports section of the Bamboo.

Neither offender attended, which did not bode well for their fate.

However, pleas in mitigation were heard :-

First on behalf of the Captain, who it seems is involved in some building works at his residence. The prosecution pointed out that such matters should never take precedence over golf but the defence countered with the suggestion that part of the work is the construction of a luxurious new “club room” for the exclusive use of members.

Representative of the Chairman said in mitigation that his client :-

a) The Duke is a well know “Bon Viveur” (french for drunk) who often has problems getting out of bed in the morning. The Duchess was called as a witness and she confirmed that he regularly has problems getting up.

and

b) His Grace misunderstood the duties of a Chairman – he thought he was responsible only for seating.

A secret ballot was held and votes cast were as follows:-

Defrocking for both            14 votes
Accept mitigation              16 votes
Spoiled papers                   8 votes (most contained telephone numbers???)

The decision of the AGM is to allow both Officers to retain their positions within the society with a recommendation that Dangerous Dave keeps his phone numbers on a Sim Card in future.

Ladies Golf

Several members have enquired if ladies are welcomed at society matches.

Of course they are welcome anytime, subject to certain conditions and suitable attire – see attached.

Signed

Hon Sec etc......

[dimple joe]

Talking of  luminous balls Joe....Many years ago I used to play Golf  on a Sunday with 3 friends,sometimes our Tee off time was so early we had to play the first few holes in the dark.One Sunday morning I Teed off with my  luminous ball and hit a lovely drive down the centre of the fairway .As we walked up the fairway I noticed my ball was moving uphill towards the 18 th fairway  . A dog had picked up my ball and was running away with it  .Not sure what the rule book would say I just took out a new  luminous ball and played from roughly the same spot where the dog had picked up my ball ,the dog disappeared though a hole in the fence never to be seen again .
So Joe does the Happy Endings Golf Society have special rules if an old dog grabs your balls on the fairway

Thanks for that Al - you tell a good tale  - do you fancy joining us and taking over this job?

It gets harder each week to come up with stuff.

As far as old dogs grabbing our balls - it doesn't happen at Buriram, most caddies here are beauties.

Over in Surin there are a few ruff types though.

[boloa]

Thanks for that Al - you tell a good tale  - do you fancy joining us and taking over this job?

It gets harder each week to come up with stuff.

As far as old dogs grabbing our balls - it doesn't happen at Buriram, most caddies here are beauties.

Over in Surin there are a few ruff types though.

Cheers for the offer Joe but your doing a great job ,plus I don't play golf any more........here's the story


I was on the first tee at Surin Golf Club and was about to drive when I was  approached by the most beautiful female Thai golfer ever.

May I join you for a round of golf she asks

"Certainly" I reply. I sends a cracker 270 yards up the middle - nice drive says the gorgeous Thai lady and walks to the ladies tee and sends a ball 40 yards past my ball

At this she asks "fancy making it a little more fun with a little money on each hole "   "OK" I said 

At the end of the round I was down 900 baht and desperate to get a chance of winning some money back I asks her for a re-match . "OK" she says "how about tomorrom"..."Fine " I said

Tomorrow came and again I went down 900 baht.

In the clubhouse she felt guilty about taking so much money off me and she suggested that she could ease his pain with some sexual pleasure indicating that she would give me a BJ 

WOW I thought what a beautiful woman and agreed.

This went on all week - I loosing money and then getting sexual pleasure afterwards.

On the Friday I said to her ' this has been so good I have booked a hotel room for us for the weekend and a fabulous Restaurant for us to eat.
She then leant gently towards me and said " I should have told you earlier I am in the middle of a sex change operation and I have not had the main operation done , so I am afraid I cannot take up your offer"

I was  totally aghast and angered at the thought that she had lied and cheated me and demanded my money back saying .......

YOU PLAYED OFF THE LADIES TEES!!!!!!

[manupete]

Over in Surin there are a few ruff types though

Sounds like Dimple Joe was right about the caddies at Surin Golf Club.

Must be why it's popular with some of the Surin Expats 

[dimple joe]

HEGS – 08/03/2011

Bloody marvellous; again all my skill and dedication comes to nothing, beaten on a countback once more - memo to self – must try harder on the 8th and 9th.

But even if I do, some cnut with a handicap like a telephone number will beat me to the win.

Life really isn't fair, bar stewards the lot of them, nice bloke like me deserves better, I feel like slashing my wrists.....


Anyway, you're not reading this to hear about my problems, you're here anxious to discover who won on Tuesday.

Results

1st   Brian – Speedy Gonzales – White
2nd   Frank – The slim good looking one – Barber
3rd   Roger – The Shirt – Ribbins
4th   Dangerous Dave Sabino

Congratulations go to Speedy Gonzales - well done Brian ! (twat)

Brian is also in the lead in the “Race to Surin” competition, followed closely by me, Roger and Dangerous.

Like the “Race to Dubai” winnings are converted into points, Brian has the fabulous sum of 29 Satang already !! Impressive or what?

Signed

Hon Sec (depressed, sad and glum)

[boloa]

Cheer up Joe,just remember....
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. 

I have a tip that can take five strokes off your golf game:  it's called an eraser.

Golf is not just an exercise; it's an adventure, a romance... a Shakespeare play in which disaster and comedy are intertwined 

Play for fun Joe,take off the pressure of trying to win and your handicap will drop .

When I played ,my problem was standing to close to the ball.......after I hit it 

Sorry Joe ,the old ones are the old ones 

[Vombatus]

HEGS – 08/03/2011

Bloody marvellous; again all my skill and dedication comes to nothing, beaten on a countback once more - memo to self – must try harder on the 8th and 9th.

But even if I do, some cnut with a handicap like a telephone number will beat me to the win.

Life really isn't fair, bar stewards the lot of them, nice bloke like me deserves better, I feel like slashing my wrists.....


Anyway, you're not reading this to hear about my problems, you're here anxious to discover who won on Tuesday.

Results

1st   Brian – Speedy Gonzales – White
2nd   Frank – The slim good looking one – Barber
3rd   Roger – The Shirt – Ribbins
4th   Dangerous Dave Sabino

Congratulations go to Speedy Gonzales - well done Brian ! (twat)

Brian is also in the lead in the “Race to Surin” competition, followed closely by me, Roger and Dangerous.

Like the “Race to Dubai” winnings are converted into points, Brian has the fabulous sum of 29 Satang already !! Impressive or what?

Signed

Hon Sec (depressed, sad and glum)

Frank, how do your golfing adventures in Thailand compare to playing Bramshaw

I don't recall Lyndhurst having any soapy massage places - or did it ?   

[dimple joe]

Hi Ray,

Playing at Bramshaw I always felt privileged. Lots of good pals, laughs and sometimes good weather.

Here I feel blessed.

Blessed that I can still play, albeit slowly, blessed that I have good friends who like to laugh and have fun, blessed that we are rarely rained off, blessed (most games) with a beautiful caddy and blessed to be living and playing in Paradise.

I must have done something good for life to be so perfect, but I cannot for the life of me think what it was.....

I refuse to comment on Soapy Massage on the grounds that I might damage my reputation.

You've not commented on my reply to your surface of the moon question, so I assume you are still using the ointment.....

[dimple joe]

Happy Endings Golf Society

Competition Results – 10/03/2011

1st       Roger “I got this shirt in Pattaya” Ribbins
2nd      Frank “The slim good looking one” Barber
3rd       Brian “Speedy Gonzales” White
4th       â€œDangerous” Dave Sabino

A fabulous record breaking round by “The Shirt” resulted in a well deserved win, albeit by just one point.

Interviewed after the game, Roger said :-

“ Fanks 'arry, it wern't easy, ya nah wot I mean? but I kept plugging away and it all cum togever in de end; on Toosdee I ad sum problems wiv a new shirt me missus got in Pattaya so I was beat, but t'day was diffrent”

asked to eleborate he replied :-

“Well 'arry, 'er indoors made a rickets wiv Toosdees shirt – it was a bit small an I ad truble getting me swing going, ya nah wot I mean? T'day I ad annuver which was not as tight; it was a big ask, but me strenf was enuf to win, innit?”

Roger was then led away by his carer ......

Notice

Thursday 17th is the annual St Patricks day 3 club competition. Participants are reminded that excess clubs must be left in the clubhouse or your vehicle to reduce temptation.

A presentation and photo call for the winner will be held in Brian's after the match along with some traditional Irish food and entertainment.

The Captain and His Grace the Chairman, have both kindly indicated that they will take part in the competition, subject of course to any calls for attendance at the preparations for the upcoming Royal Wedding.

Rank and file members are therefore requested to dress appropriately, be on their best behaviour and to ensure that profanity is kept to a minimum.

Lost & Found

Lost     1 Nike golf ball, last seen heading into the left side jungle on the 7th, small reward to the finder.

Found   In the left side jungle on the 7th, 1 thong with dragon motif and evidence of sheep hairs, too small to fit finder

Signed

Hon Sec and still Champion Golfer........

[Vombatus]

I refuse to comment on Soapy Massage on the grounds that I might damage my reputation.

Frank,  I think the horse bolted many years ago 

[dimple joe]

Happy Endings Golf Society 15/03/2011

Tuesday's results are

1st   â€œShirt” Ribbins
2nd   â€œThe slim good looking one”
3rd   â€œDangerous” Dave
4th   â€œSpeedy Gonzales”
5th   His Grace “the Duke of Llanberis”

Yet another great effort by Roger who gave us all a thrashing.

Dangerous Dave had his best Stableford result to date, while Speedy and the Duke both seemed determined to achieve a handicap increase before Thursday's competition; sadly they were unsuccessful.

The recent rain should make the course a bit more forgiving for the 3 club challenge and mystery team competition on Thursday, good luck to all.


Probe result

A senior member, who shall remain nameless, has been accused of having a hole in his shorts pocket lining, specifically designed to allow the surreptitious dropping of a replacement ball.

While the society encourages slight bending of the rules, such underhand tactics are beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated – we are British after all......

It seems however that there has been no cheating whatsoever.

Brian buys lots of his clothing at “Ladyboys - R - Us” as do most of his friends.

He explained that the hole is intended to allow easy access to the member's member, rather than a device to cheat at golf.

He has been advised to wear different shorts on the course in future and to restrict his ladyboy clothing to his underwear - like the rest of us.

Signed

Hon Sec HEGS

[Vombatus]

There seems to be a consistency of under-performance with the Runner-Up most weeks ! 

[dimple joe]

Happy Endings Golf Society  17/03/2011

St. Patrick's Day 3 Club Challenge

The Duke of Llanberis arrived at the course in his limousine with his entourage, to be greeted by an adoring crowd of onlookers smiling, cheering, applauding and gaily waving little Welsh flags.

A local press reporter attempted to speak with his Grace but was cuffed around the ear and told “clear off you horrible little oik” and jostled by several footmen..... Oh how we laughed.

An impromptu guard of honour was formed by some caddies and the Duke graciously accepted a small gift presented on behalf of the HEGS membership.

The nearby Royal Thai Air Force base had organised a fly-past to demonstrate the high regard in which the Duke himself and British aristocracy in general, is held locally – see attached picture (1)

So, just 15 minutes late, the competition commenced...........

There were a few nerves on display on the 1st tee but all in all everyone coped well with both the pressure and only having three clubs.

Once again Roger marmalised us, winning both the individual and the mystery team competitions.

A presentation was held in Paddys Bar after the normal Bamboo breakfast which was, I must say, very poorly attended; however, Roger now takes over the mantle of “Champion Golfer” – see attached picture (2)

Roger was too overcome with emotion to say anything at the presentation but subsequently he e-mailed this :-

Frank,

I do believe that my win today cannot go on record without a big thank you to the supporting team.
Without Alans stress managment skills who knows what would have happened after I duffed that first recovery wood strike.
Brians swing coaching was a dream, as usual.
There can be no better sports psychiatrist than Dave.
Hywels calm public relations kept the crowds at bay.
Without your goodself as the fitness trainer who knows what would have happened to this superb specimen of senior golf.

Rog

Wise words indeed...

Notable shots of the day

The Captain – tee shot on the 6th, hit a marker – see attached picture (3) and rebounded behind the tee (none of us in the slips managed to catch it so we probably could get picked for England in the next test).

Dangerous Dave – tee shot again on the 6th, straight to the centre of the green resulting in an absolutely superb par – well done Dave.

Signed

Hon Sec HEGS - ex Champion Golfer

[dimple joe]

HEGS - Winners & Losers

22/03/2011
1st    The Shirt
2nd    The slim good looking one
3rd     Speedy
4th     Dangerous

24/03/2011
1st    The Shirt
2nd    The slim good looking one   
3rd     Dangerous
4th     Speedy

Well done to Roger who seems in a different league to the rest of us at the moment.

As per normal both matches were played with a great feeling of camaraderie and we all had lots of fun. However there were some strange numbers on the score cards which prompted the following poem wot I ave wrote :-

You finish your round
shake hands all around
take time, to add up your score

Can this really be true?
how is it that you
shot seven, but she wrote down four?

The fifth was the same
where young whatsername
got it wrong, when counting your hits

But maybe it's you
lost count, as you do
when letching a young caddies tits

Or maybe it's bums
that cock up your sums
or the shape of a lovely young hip

But the caddie's no clown
she keeps your score down
hoping she'll get a big tip

Signed

Hon Sec and resident poet

[Vombatus]

Has the Happy Endings Golf Society lost it's balls ??