Ring any bells?

[urleft]

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.


Q: What's the difference between president Obama and God? A: God doesn't think he's the president.



Q: How do you starve an Obama supporter? A: Put his food stamps in his work boots.


Q: What is another name for a voter fraud? A: An Obama voter.


Q. What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens? A. Undocumented Democrats.


Q: What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? A: They are both trying to screw everybody!


Q: What's the difference between Obama and Tiger Woods? A: Tiger only screwed half the country.


Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? A. Because it would be racist and homophobic.


Q: What do you get when you cross a Black Marxist with a White Communist? A: Barack Obama


Q: What's the difference between Obama's GM bailout and a car battery? A: The battery has a positive side.


Q: Why did Obama run for office as a Democrat? A: The Communist Party was too conservative for him.


Q: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A: The ink isn't dry yet.


Q: What was Willy Wonka's Obama-candy called? A. The "Everlasting Job-Stopper"


Q: Why won't they release Obamas birth certificate. A: It is in Swahili and no one can read it.


Q: How are Obama supporters like Christmas lights? A: Half of them don't work, and the ones that do work aren't very bright


Q: What do Obama and Manti Te'o have in common? A: They can f*** you from 3,000 miles away when neither has even met you.


Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common? A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.


Q: Why is the Obama economy a system of checks and balances? A: He writes the checks, you pay the balances.


Q: What does Obama's cat say? A: Mao.


Q: What does an Obama optimist say? A: It can't get any worse!


Q: Why are there so few real Obama jokes? A: Most of them are true.


Q: What are the teams in the new Obama Football League? A: The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers, and the Lyin's.


Q: What's the difference between Lincoln and Obama? A: Lincoln suffered from major depression. Obama caused one.

[tonypace01]

I thought this page was for funny jokes.

[Antonio]

I thought this page was for funny jokes.

Obama may not be funny,but he is a joke.

[Prakhonchai Nick]

I thought this page was for funny jokes.

Obama may not be funny,but he is a joke.

Some may agree -others not.

[urleft]

A communist, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a homosexual walk into a bar.
 

The bartender says, “What’ll it be Mister President?”

[TBWG]

 A lot of Americans and Canadians and Aussies have become so insulated from reality
> > that they imagine that
> > They can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to themselves.
> >
> > Pause a moment, reflect back. These are actual events from history. They
> > really happened!
> >
> >
> > Do You Remember . . . .
> >
> > 1. In 1968, Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed...By a Muslim male.
> > 2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
> > massacred...By Muslim males.
> > 3. In 1972 a Pan Am 747 was hijacked and eventually diverted to an Arab
> > country where a fuse was lit on final approach and it was blown up shortly
> > after landing...By Muslim males.
> > 4. In 1973 a Pan Am 707 was destroyed in Rome, with 33 people killed, when
> > it was attacked with grenades...By Muslim males.
> > 5. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over...By Muslim males.
> > 6. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon...By
> > Muslim males.
> > 7. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up...By Muslim
> > males.
> > 8. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old
> > American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his
> > wheelchair...By Muslim males.
> > 9. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver
> > trying to rescue passengers was murdered...By Muslim males.
> > 10. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed...By Muslim males.
> > 11. In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed the first time...By Muslim
> > males.
> > 12. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed...By
> > Muslim males.
> > 13. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to
> > take down the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed
> > into the US Pentagon,
> > and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of
> > people were killed...By Muslim males.
> > 14. In 2002, the United States and Canada and others fought a war in
> > Afghanistan...Against Muslim males.
> > 15. In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and beheaded by---You
> > guessed it---Muslim males.
> >
> > No, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? These
> > 15 incidents are merely coincidence. So, to ensure we Americans/Canadians
> > never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport
> > security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people.
> > Absolutely No Profiling!
> >
> > They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids,
> > airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members
> > of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal
> > hips, and Medal of Honor winner and former Governor Joe Foss,
> > but..............
> >
> > Leave Muslim Males alone lest we be guilty of profiling.
> >
> > Have the American/Canadian People completely lost their Minds, or just
> > their Power of Reason?
> >
> > Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Alreds and
> > other stupid attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart
> > common sense, feel ashamed of themselves--if they have any such sense. As
> > the writer of the award winning story 'Forrest Gump' so aptly put it,
> > 'Stupid Is As Stupid Does'. Each opportunity that you have to send it to a
> > friend or media outlet........do it!

[TBWG]

I'd just come out of the sandwich shop with a roast beef sandwich, large
> >>> chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and
> >>> said
> >>> 'I've not eaten for two days.'
> >>>
> >>> ' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things
> >>> commonly
> >>> found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct
> >>> answers.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about
> >>> the
> >>> wait'.
> >>>
> >>> I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
> >>> When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope,
> >>> you're still black'.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
> >>> inches
> >>> tonight.
> >>>
> >>> I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
> >>> since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich
> >>> works
> >>> best!
> >>
> >

[urleft]

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job.....
 
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
 
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
 
“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”
 
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
 
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
 
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
 
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations, you have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”
 
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”
 
“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls... No point in you coming in for that.”

[urleft]

Dear Ma and Pa,
 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
 Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
 before all of the places are filled.
 

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
 But I am getting so I like to sleep late.. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
 before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
 slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
 nothing.
 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
 strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind
 of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
 regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city
 boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when
 you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
 

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
 harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
 "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
 get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like
 the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
 They don't bother you none.
 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
 shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
 and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
 All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
 load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
 wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
 real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
 best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
 I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6"
 and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
 onto this setup and come stampeding in..
 


Your loving daughter,
 
Alice

[TBWG]

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while, the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related ?"
The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

[TBWG]

TURPENTINE - V - HOLY WATER
 
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

[TBWG]

The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
“English Weather”.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'


(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)

[urleft]

HITCH HIKERS ON THE NULLABOR
 
Two Aboriginals were riding along the highway on a motorbike. They broke down and started trying to hitch a lift.  A friendly trucker (Wilko) stopped to see if he could help and they asked him for a lift.

 He told them he had no room in the rig because he was carrying 20,000 lawn bowls.  The Aboriginals put it to Wilko that if they could manage to fit in the back with their bike, would he give them a lift, and he relented.

 They managed to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck, so Wilko the driver shut the doors and got off on his way. By this time he was really late and so pushed his foot down hard. Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulled him over for speeding.

The good officer asked Wilko what he was carrying to which he replied jokingly-- 'Indigenous eggs'.

 The Highway Patrol Officer obviously didn't believe this so wanted to take a look for himself.  He opened the back door and quickly slammed it shut and locked it. Then he got onto his radio and called for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

 The dispatcher asked what emergency there was that required so many officers.

 'I've got a truck with 20,000 Abo eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they have already managed to steal a motorbike'

[urleft]

COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES !
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS:   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy ?'
 ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS:   My name is Susan !
 _______________________________________________________
 ATTORNEY:What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ______________________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS:   No, I just lie there.
 _____________________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
 WITNESS:   July 18th.
 ATTORNEY: What year?
 WITNESS:   Every year.
 _____________________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 WITNESS:   Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 ATTORNEY:  How long has he lived with you?
 WITNESS:   Forty-five years.
 __________________________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS:   Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS:   I forget..
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 _________________________________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
    he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS:   Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS:   He's 20, much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS:   Are you serious?
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS:   Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS:   Getting laid
 ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
 WITNESS:   Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS:   None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS:   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney?
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS:   By death..
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS:   Take a guess.
 ___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS:   He was about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS:   Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS:   No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS:   All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS:   Oral...
 _________________________________________
 ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS:   The autopsy started around 8:30.pm
 ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS:   If not, he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS:   Are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________
 And last:
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS:   No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS:   No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS:   No..
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS:   No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS:   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS:   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Somnat]

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.


Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
 
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until  she got to the final priest, Carlo. Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .
 
Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
 
And all the other bells started to ring