Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Heaven or Hell
An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and sodomised.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'
 

[TBWG]

Her First Date

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City,Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight).

They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal..

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem,

due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off'

and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

 

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants  down'.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning

to being pissed  off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out?

He became her husband and was sitting next to her

on the Leno show.

[TBWG]

Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times!


 




I found a prostitute who charges by the inch.

 

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought
you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.

[urleft]

Subject: Medicare Part X

Medicare Part X

New Medicare Senior Program

You’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

[TBWG]

"The son of an illegal immigrant asks his dad:


"Dad, what's democracy?"


"Well, son, that's when the Belgians work, and we get all the benefits from it!"


"But Dad, aren't the Belgian people unhappy about that?"


"Sure they are son, but that's called 'racism.'""

[TBWG]

I think it is just terrible

 and disgusting how everyone has treated

Lance Armstrong,

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs.

 

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike..!

 

 

 

 

[TBWG]

This is all part of the education process.. enjoy!
 
For those of you who x (and who doesn't?) this is educational. Read carefully!


I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old x receiving it, so if you know any other than me, send it to 'em...

If you bump into an Old x on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old x on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Pass this on to all the Old Farts you know.

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.


[attachment deleted by admin]

[TBWG]

Seems farts is OK but Fa*t too offensive

Mai Pen Rai

[TBWG]

What really died at Auschwitz? Here's an interesting viewpoint.

The following is a copy of an article written by Spanish writer Sebastian
Vilar Rodrigez and published in a Spanish newspaper on Jan 15 2011.
It doesn't take much imagination to extrapolate the message to the
rest of Europe - and possibly to the rest of the world.

THIS WAS IN A SPANISH NEWSPAPER: "EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ"

by Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez

"I walked down the street in Barcelona and suddenly discovered a
terrible truth - Europe died in Auschwitz ... We killed six million
Jews and replaced them with 20 million Muslims. In Auschwitz we burned
a culture, thought, creativity, talent. We destroyed the chosen people,

truly chosen, because they produced great and wonderful people who

changed the world.

The contribution of this people is felt in all areas of life: science, art,

international trade, and above all, as the conscience of the world.

These are the people we burned.

And under the pretence of tolerance, and because we wanted to prove to
ourselves that we were cured of the disease of racism, we opened our
gates to 20 million Muslims, who brought us stupidity and ignorance,
religious extremism and lack of tolerance, crime and poverty, due to
an unwillingness to work and support their families with pride.

They have blown up our trains and turned our beautiful Spanish cities
into the third world, drowning in filth and crime. Shut up in the
apartments they receive free from the government, they plan the murder
and destruction of their naive hosts.

And thus, in our misery, we have exchanged culture for fanatical
hatred, creative skill for destructive skill, intelligence for backwardness

and superstition. We have exchanged the pursuit of peace of the

Jews of Europe and their talent for a better future for their children,

their determined clinging to life because life is holy, for those who pursue

death, for people consumed by the desire for death for themselves and others,

for our children and theirs.

What a terrible mistake was made by miserable Europe.

A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they
imagine America can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to
themselves. Recently, the UK debated whether to remove The Holocaust
from its school curriculum because it 'offends' the Muslim population
which claims it never occurred. It is not removed as yet. However,
this is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world
and how easily each country is giving in to it.

It is now more than sixty years after the Second World War in Europe
ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the
six million Jews, twenty million Russians, ten million Christians, and
nineteen-hundred Catholic priests who were 'murdered, raped, burned,
starved, beaten, experimented on and humiliated.' Now, more than ever,
with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be 'a myth,' it is
imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

This e-mail is intended to reach 400 million people. Be a link in the
memorial chain and help distribute this around the world.

How many years will it be before the attack on the World Trade Centre
'NEVER HAPPENED' because it offends some Muslim in the United States?
If our Judeo-Christian heritage is offensive to Muslims, they should
pack up and move to Iran, Iraq or some other Muslim country.

[urleft]

Three Irish women were walking home one night when they noticed a man passed out under a cart. His upper body was underneath the cart but his kilt and legs were extending out into the sidewalk.

The first woman says, "I wonder who he is?" With no other option to identify him, she discretely lifts the kilt and says, "Och, at least it's not my Angus."

The second woman discretely lifts the kilt and says, "Tank de Virgin, it's not my Paddie."

The third woman discretely lifts the kilt and says, "Ladies, he's not even from our village."

[urleft]

A Chinese couple gets married, and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

“My daring,” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan...numba 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, “You wan...beef with brocceri?”

[smoooth2]

A Chinese couple gets married, and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

“My daring,” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan...numba 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, “You wan...beef with brocceri?”

    Thanks urleft .... best laugh I've had all day  !!!!!!!!!!

[urleft]

Why we shoot deer in the wild:
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up— 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer— no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head—almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse —strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

[TBWG]

Subject:Women know how to turn a left-handed compliment
 

 
 
>Happy and Sad…………….
>
>A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychologywhich was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
>The husband turned to his wife and said,"What a load of absolute bullshit. I bet you can't tell me anythingthat will make me happy and sad at the same time."
>
>She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

[TBWG]

>> TWO IRISH MEN
>
> Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
>
> After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
> think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"
>
> The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
>
> The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
>
> The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
>
> The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
> did you live on in Dublin ?"
>
> The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
> Street in the old central part of town."
>
> The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.
>
> And to what school would you have been going?"
>
> The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
>
> The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
> what year did you graduate?"
>
> The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
>
> The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
>
> I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
>
> Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
>
> About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
> Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
> "It's going to be a long night tonight"
> Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
> "The Murphy twins are drunk again."