Ring any bells?

[Jamaw]

An Australian man narrowly escaped serious injury whilst riding a horse. After mounting the horse unassisted, the horse began to move faster and faster, then sideways. He struggled to hold on to any part of the horse he could get hold of, but still slipping and about to lose control when a Brit came to the rescue and unplugged the horse at the local Big C.

[TBWG]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very

sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after

arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis

covered with bright green and purple spots.





Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having

seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return

in two days for the results.



The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got

bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and

almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."



The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or

something

and fix me up, doc".



The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to

amputate your penis".



The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".



The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want,

but surgery is your only choice".



The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know

more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease".



The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can

we do?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis."



The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,

always want to cut, cut, cut. Make more money, that way. No need to

opelate!"



"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.



"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks.

Dick fall off by itself! You save lotsa money"

[Somnat]

^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

[Jamaw]

 A his n hers fail. I bet she gets a few offers though.

[TBWG]

 
 
 
 
This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.
 
An elderly couple Lucy & John were recently attending church services at The Village.
About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse,
and wrote a note and handed it to John .
The note said:" I just let out a silent x, what do you think I should do ?"
John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
 

[TBWG]

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
Fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......"
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

[TBWG]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on
> that morning..
> I went downstairs for breakfast
> hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
> 'Happy Birthday!',
> and possibly have a small present for me.
> As it turned out,
> he barely said good morning,
> let alone
> ' Happy Birthday.'
> I thought....
> Well, that's marriage for you,
> but the kids....
> They will remember.
> My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
> and didn't say a word..
> So when I left for the office,
> I felt pretty low
> and somewhat despondent.
> As I walked into my office,
> my team leader Robert said,
> 'Good morning, and by the way
   Happy Birthday!'
> It felt a little better
> that at least someone had remembered.
> I worked until one o'clock ,
> when Robert knocked on my door
> and said, 'You know,
> It's such a beautiful day outside,
> and it is your Birthday,
> what do you say we go out to lunch,
    just you and me..'
> I said, 'Thanks, Rob,
> that's the greatest thing
> I've heard all day.
> Let's go !'
> We went to lunch.
> But we didn't go
> where we normally would go.
> He chose instead a quiet bistro
> with a private table.
> We had two martinis each
    and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
> On the way back to the office,
> Rob said, 'You know,
> It's such a beautiful day...
> We don't need to go straight back to the office,
> Do we ?'
> I responded,
> 'I guess not.
> What do you have in mind ?'
> He said,
> 'Let's drop by my apartment,
> it's just around the corner..'
> After arriving at his apartment,
> Rob turned to me and said,
> 'If you don't mind,
> I'm going to step into the bedroom
> for just a moment.
> I'll be right back.'
> 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
> He went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes,
> came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
> Followed
> by my husband,
> my kids,
> and dozens of my friends
> and co-workers,
> all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
>
>
> And I just sat there...
>
> On the couch....
>
> Naked.
 

[TBWG]

Exciting new BUPA Programme:

You're a sick senior citizen and the
government says they are going to sell
your house to pay for your nursing care.
So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older
a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to
shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent
to prison..... where you will get three meals
a day, a roof over your head, central heating,
air conditioning and all the health care
you need!
Need new teeth? No problem.
Need glasses? That’s great.
Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?
They’re all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come
and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?
It’s the same government that just told
you that they cannot afford to pay for
your nursing care.
And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians
while you are at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't
have to pay income tax.
Is this a great country or what?
 
 

[TBWG]

A great lesson on Stress

 

 

A young lady confidently walked around the room while explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'...

 

She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.


Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

 

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.



If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.


If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.


In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

So , as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.


Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.



1 * Accept the fact that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again,
      it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have  a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.


18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today

                   AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

 

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

 

 

[TBWG]

Walk With Me While I Age

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me –
then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.
Walk with me by the water - worth the read...

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:


 


 
 
Shit...I forgot the words.

[tommynew]

How old is elderly

[Speros]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

[Prakhonchai Nick]

How old is elderly

Depends where you live.

In Thailand,and especially in the villages, you are elderly at around 45 - that's when the daughters can go out to "work" and enable the parents to stop working!

[Somnat]

A young boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...



But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

[nookiebear]

Look

How old is elderly

Looking at some of the forum members ...............About 40