Ring any bells?

[urleft]

Husband Store vs. Wife Store
These should exist, no?

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On each floor the signs on the doors read:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


THE WIFE STORE

Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.

Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[urleft]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the
candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles"

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about
all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of
holy biscuits."


"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."

[TBWG]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

NO UNDERWEAR - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well ... .last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT .....AND REMEMBER, "LIFE IS GOOD".
 

[TBWG]

BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lily, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

--Jack, 7 years
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[TBWG]

This indeed is worrisome
 
Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.



The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer

[TBWG]

In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3," rather than, "I've just f**ked my fourteen year-old escort."

The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop. However, the news isn't all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.

[TBWG]

TRUE STORY FROM Rolls Royce's OWN MAGAZINE


Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (true story - possibly)


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

 
 
 

[TBWG]

Subject:

WOW! Read This. This is One ticked off Lady!! !

   
     
     FANBLOODYTASTIC
       
     

           

       
   
  Thought you might like  to read this letter to the editor of a British  national newspaper. Ever notice how some people  just seem to know how to write a  letter?.   
Here is a woman who should run for  Prime  Minister!

Written  by a housewife, to her daily newspaper. This is  one ticked off  lady..

'Are we fighting a  war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not  started by Islamic people who brought it to our  shores in July 2002, and in New York Sept  11 2001 and  have continually threatened to do so  since?

Were people from all over  the world, not brutally murdered that day in  Washington, and in downtown Manhattan ,   and in a field in Pennsylvania  ?

Did nearly three thousand men,  women and children die a horrible, burning or  crushing death that day, or didn't  they?

And I'm supposed to care  that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured  by a justice system of the nation they come from  and are fighting against in a brutal  insurgency.

I'll care about the  Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start  caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of  which is a crime punishable by beheading in  Afghanistan

I'll care when these  thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking  off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through  his gurgling slashed  throat.

I'll care when the  cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Afghanistan  come out and fight like men instead of  disrespecting their own religion by hiding in  mosques and behind women and  children.

I'll care when the  mindless zealots who blow themselves up in  search of Nirvana care about the innocent  children within range of their suicide  bombs.

I'll care when the  British media stops pretending that their  freedom of speech on stories is more important  than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or  their families waiting at home to hear about  them when something happens.

In  the meantime, when I hear a story about a  British soldier roughing up an Insurgent  terrorist to obtain information, know  this:

I don't  care.

When I see a wounded  terrorist get shot in the head when he is told  not to move because he might be booby-trapped,  you can take this to the bank:

I  don't care.

When I hear that a  prisoner - who was issued a Koran and a prayer  mat, and 'fed special food' that is paid for by  my taxes - is complaining that his holy book is  being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe  in your heart of hearts:

I don't  care.

And oh, by the way, I've  noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and  other times 'Quran.' Well, believe me!! you  guessed it .......

I don't  care!!

If you agree with this  viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail  friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the  people responsible for this ridiculous  Behaviour!

If you don't agree,  then by all means hit the delete button. Should  you choose the latter, then please don't  complain when more atrocities committed by  radical Muslims happen here in our great  country! And may I add:

'Some  people spend an entire lifetime wondering if  they made a difference in the world.  Our  soldiers don't have that  problem.'

I have another quote  that I would like to add, AND.......I hope you  forward all this.

Only six  defining forces have ever offered to die for  you:

1. Jesus  Christ

2.  The British  Soldier.

3. The Canadian  Soldier.

4. The US Soldier

5. The New Zealand  Soldier

6. The  Australian Soldier

One died for  your soul, the other 5 for your  freedom.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS  THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET ABOUT ALL OF  THEM.


AMEN!

GIVE THIS  LADY A STANDING OVATION. SHE HAS INDEED TICKED  ALL THE BOXES Isn't it interesting  that so many people in the Western World feel  this way, but not one of our politicians, who  are supposed to represent us, ever have the guts  to state the situation like it is 
We  do not have strong politicians, just weaklings  that bend in the  wind

 

[urleft]

TRUE STORY FROM Rolls Royce's OWN MAGAZINE


Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (true story - possibly)


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

 
 
 

What a fowl weapon.   

[TBWG]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO
> > HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
> >
> >
> > AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
> > >
> >
> > THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
> > MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL
> > IN EACH BED.
> >
> > THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON
> > THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
> >
> > THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND
> > TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN
> > SAYS,
> >
> > 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
> >
> > 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
> >
> > 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
> > HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'A WITCH? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
> >
> >
> > 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE
> > HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK
> > MY TEETH WITH HER!'
> >
> >
> >
> >

[CO-CO]

Why Parents Drink



The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

 
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'


Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '


'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '



Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' 


' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '


Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'



' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.


'Busy doing what?'



' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer..



Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.



'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '



Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'





Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled ...





' ME . ' 

[urleft]

Men - Translations

“I’M GOING FISHING” Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“IT’S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn’t dinner already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR...” Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”


 
 
I must say I resemble a lot of these, especially the outstretched hands translation.
 
 

[TBWG]

Single Black Female
 
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.



Love the response this ad got!!



SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.... Call (404) 875-6420and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....







Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.
 

[TBWG]

CHINESE WISDOM

 Woman asks:



If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.

But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone

calls him a real man. How come?

Man replies:



It's very simple.


Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3

different keys, it's a bad lock.


But when one key can open 10 different locks, we

call it a master key!'.

 

[TBWG]

This is forwarded purely for its literary merit.  Please don't shoot the messenger

 

He was in ecstasy and a huge smile spread across his face as his girlfriend moved slowly forwards and then backwards again. Forwards then backwards. Back and forth. Back and forth. In and out. In and out. Her heart was pounding faster now. Her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then progressively louder. Finally, exhausted, she let out one almighty scream, then sighed heavily and relaxed her vice-like grip!!!
 
"Oh! Okay! You'd better park the f**king car yourself you SMUG BASTARD!"