Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A  Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to  Barcelona  on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Bloody hot down here!

[TBWG]

The wife  came home early and found her husband in their bedroom  making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she  was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she  cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the  mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce  right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a  minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'  'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words  you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I  was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady  here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and  defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the  car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well  dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten  for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her  home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,  the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put  on weight. The poor thing devoured them in  moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I  suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed  her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them  away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the  designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't  wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave  her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which  you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I  found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that  you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those  boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear  because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The  husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so  grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her  to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and  said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife  doesn't use?'   

[TBWG]

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labor,



I think you'll get a kick out of this!




A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.


He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'

[TBWG]

    These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow region.

    1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

    2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
     
    3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

    4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

    5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

    7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.   

    9. Discharge status:-      Alive, but without my permission.

    10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

    11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    12. She is numb from her toes down.

    13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 

    14. The skin was moist and dry.     

    15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

    18.. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

    19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.   

    20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.   

    21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    22. The lab. test indicated abnormal lover function. 

    23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

    24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

    25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.   

    27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room..

    28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

    29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

    30.. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

    31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.   

    32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

    33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

                                                     

For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital !

[TBWG]

Wisdom in Profound Truths.....

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
 
Good friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.
 
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
 
Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.
 
Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!
 
Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants to give it !!!
 
Men play the game.  Women know the score.
 
Wives are funny creatures ....  Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?
 
Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.
 
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
 
Here is the definition of divorce ...  She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!
 
Mahatma Gandhi says..........'man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener!!!'.
 

[TBWG]

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."


Bitch.
 

[Admin]

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."


Bitch.
 

Good one! 

[TBWG]

THE 5  ANSWERS WE  HAVE  ALL BEEN WAITING  FOR! 
 

Question 1:
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A:  It's Braille for 'suck here'.


Question 2:
WHAT  IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


Question 3:
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a  Goodyear.


Question 4:
WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.  But when they go, they take
your house and car with them.

Question 5:
WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:  Because they don't have any balls to  scratch...


BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER 
Question 6:
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?   
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose. 
 

[TBWG]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old pack mule.  The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.


He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.  As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.


The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"


The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance . . . never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.


The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.


When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.


The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.


The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"  The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . . but . . . I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men . . . they didn't get old by being stupid!

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?


Remember:  OLD MEN DESERVE RESPECT

[TBWG]

 “No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but there is:

When you marry the right one, you are  COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are  FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!”

[TBWG]

PASS THE BISCUITS


[]
 
 
 
When I was a kid, my mum liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now & then & I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work.  On that evening so long ago, my mum placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad.  I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed!  Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mum and ask me how my day was at school.
 
I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my mum apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits.  And I'll never forget what he said:  "Honey, I love burned biscuits."
 
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned.  He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your mummy put in a long hard day at work today and she's real tired.  And besides... A burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"
 
You know, life is full of imperfect things... And imperfect people.  I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.  What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults and choosing to celebrate each others differences, is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
 
So...please pass me a biscuit. And yes, the burned one will do just fine!  And please pass this along to someone who has enriched your life.... I just did!
 
Life is too short to wake up with regrets... Love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.
 
ENJOY LIFE NOW - IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE![]


 

[urleft]

The Recession is hitting everyone:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[TBWG]

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up, some of us have got
homes to go to!'

[TBWG]

Pass The Butter ... Please .   

This is interesting. .. .

 
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys.  When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back.
It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow colouring and sold it to people to use in place of butter.  How do you like it?   They have come out with some clever new flavourings.... 

 
DO  YOU KNOW.. The difference between margarine and butter?

Read on to the end...gets very interesting! 

Both  have the same amount of calories.

 
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams; compared to 5 grams for margarine.

 
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over  eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent  Harvard  Medical Study.

 
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in  other foods.
 
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few and 
only because  they are added!


Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavours of other foods.

 
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than100 years.

 
And now, for Margarine..

 
Very High in Trans fatty acids.

 
Triples risk of coronary heart disease ...
 
Increases  total cholesterol and  LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and  lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

 
Increases the risk of cancers up to five times..

 
Lowers quality of breast milk.

 
Decreases immune response.

 
Decreases insulin response.

 
And  here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT  IS  VERY INTERESTING!

 
Margarine is but  ONE MOLECULE away  from being PLASTIC...and shares 27 ingredients with PAINT

 
These facts alone were enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is  added,  changing the molecular structure of the substance). 

 
You can try this yourself:

 
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it open in your garage or shaded area.  Within a couple of days you will notice a couple of things:

 
*  no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

 
*  it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value ; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow.  Why?   Because it is nearly plastic.  Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

 
Share  This With Your Friends.....(If you want to butter them up')!


 
Chinese Proverb:
When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it,  you have a  moral obligation to share it with others.
Pass the BUTTER PLEASE
 
 

[TBWG]

Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy , you explain the kids.'