Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

    Two Gay Guys are visiting the Zoo. 

    They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

    One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
    The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.

    When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

    An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

    A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'

    'AM I HURT?' he shouts;

    'Wouldn't you be?.............he hasn't called.....  he hasn't written....'

[urleft]

Jacob, age 81 and Rebecca, age 80, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
 
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
 
“Are you the owner?”
 
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
 
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
 
Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”
 
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
 
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
 
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
 
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
 
Jacob: “How about suppositories?”
 
Pharmacist: “You bet!”
 
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
 
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The Works.”
 
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
 
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
 
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
 
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
 
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
 
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
 
Jacob: “Adult diapers?”
 
Pharmacist: “Sure.”
 
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

[urleft]

Catholic Heart Attack
 

You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
 The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
 The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.


 A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.

 

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

 

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

 

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

 

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

 

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

 

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

 

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

 

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”


 

[TBWG]

PRICELESS! -- WHAT A MAN!!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
and, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes
when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove; I left early to get groceries to make
your favorite dinner tonight." I love you, darling!" Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old
son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....

"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

 Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. .PRICELESS
 

[TBWG]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD,
>
> AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
>
>
>
> George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going
> up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
> garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George
> opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
> people in the shed stealing things.
>
>
>
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
>
> He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
> stealing from me.
>
> Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
> your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
>
>
>
> George said, "Okay."
>
> He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
>
>
>
> "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
> stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
> because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right
> now," and he hung up.
>
> Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
> Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
> residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
>
>
>
> One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
> them!"
>
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
>
> (True Story)
>
> I LOVE IT!      Don't mess with old people

[TBWG]

Michael Douglas sparked a firestorm  Sunday  claiming that he caught throat cancer by giving oral sex to his wife. It begs two obvious questions. Is this a sound medical diagnosis or is Michael Douglas just the latest Democrat to blame everything on Bush?

[dimple joe]

Truthful "classified ad" competition, from actual ads placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[TBWG]

 
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
 
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly  $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
               
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer:  If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man:  Correct.
 
Lady Interviewer:  Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
 

Man:  Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer:  No.                     
Man:  So what color is  your fuckin' Ferrari? --                                                 
                             
 

[Somnat]

A blonde city girl, marries a sheep farmer.

 

One morning, on his way out to check on the sheep, the farmer says to his wife, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above the ewe's stall in the barn. You show him where the ewe is when he gets here, OK?'

So then he went off to do some fencing.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

The farmer's wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of sheep and when she sees the nail, she tells him 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the ewe to be inseminated?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', she explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder ......

 

 

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

[urleft]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

[binnsy]

Here's a thought . . . . If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, try this :

A. Go to Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or Iran illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense. Demand a free house, benefits and food.

B. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

C. Demand that all nurses and doctors be fluent in English, and that all food be cooked according to your specifications in the hospital.

D. Demand free local government forms, bulletins, etc. Be printed in English.

E. Procreate abundantly.

F. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive Behaviour with, 'It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand.'

G. Keep your original identity strong. Fly your home country's national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window, or on your car bumper.

H. Speak only English at home and in public, and make sure that your children do likewise.

I. Demand classes on English culture in the Muslim school system.

J. Demand a local country driving license or national insurance number equivalent

K. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan , Afghanistan or Iraq

L. Drive around with no car tax or insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

M. Insist that the Police teach English to all its officers.

N. Organise protest marches against your host country, inciting violence against non-white, non-Christians, and the government that let you in.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead..

It would never happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or Iran (or any other country in the world for that matter) except in the:
UK, US, Canada or Australia,
Because we are run by soft, politically correct politicians that are too scared to 'offend' anyone.

[TBWG]

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a
 leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to
 when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and
 says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a
 sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous
 bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
 
 

[TBWG]

And the winner of the Homer Simpson look alike competition is ~~~~~~~

[TBWG]

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel
and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more
annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
You already know how to fish!"

[TBWG]

The first speaker, a lady from England , stood and said “During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington , that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.”


“After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”

(The crowd cheered).


The second lady from Russia, stood up and said, “After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.”


“The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.”


(The crowd again cheered).


The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said, “Afta lass year's conference, I wen "ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.”


(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued “Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day, I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.”