Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.


3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

 

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.


11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLEOF GERITOL.


12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.


15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.


16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.


17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.


19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.


21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 
 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

Life just gets better as you get older doesn’t it?
A man was in a Coffee Club recently when his stomach started rumbling and he realized that he desperately needed to pass wind. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment he timed his farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs he started to feel much better. He finished his coffee and got up to leave when he noticed that everyone in the café was staring at him….

He suddenly remembered that he was listening to his IPod!!
 
This is what happens when old people start using technology!

[urleft]

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire-fighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck,” he said with admiration.

“Thanks,” the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little partner,” the fire-fighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

[urleft]

Just to prepare you for a few years down the road.
I tried this and it really works!

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE APPROACHING 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your

arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[urleft]

Sex involving 4 people is called a "foursome".

Sex involving 3 people is called a "threesome".

Sex involving 2 people is called a "twosome".

.

.

.

.

Now I understand why they call me "handsome".

[TBWG]

Adopt a Terrorist - BRILLIANT!


A female Canadian progressive liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.  She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.  She received back the following reply:


National Defense Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg.,15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2

Canada


Dear Concerned Citizen,


Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.


Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.  You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short.


In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.  Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.


Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint!  It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.  We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.


Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.


Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.  We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.  Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.  We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.


Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him.  He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.


Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands.  This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.


I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.  Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.


Thanks again for your concern.  We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.  You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.


 

Good luck and God bless you,

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense

----------------------------------------------

[TBWG]

Just in case you are not aware of the effect that Cypriot financial problems are having on Japan's banks, be warned -


I can confirm that:-


Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank is cutting its branches.

Kamikaze Bank has ceased trading after its shares nose dived.

At the Karate Bank 500 employees have been given the chop.


Analysts also report that something fishy is happening at the Sushi Bank as customers are getting a raw deal.
 

[TBWG]

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[TBWG]

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[TBWG]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (from a husbands point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,

Down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

...  T'was "fifty shades of grey".

 

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

 

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

 

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

 

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

 

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!

 

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

 

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

And stood on her left t*t!

 

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

 

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

 

[Starman]

That leads me to a quote of the day I saw recently:

"Erectile dysfunction. A physical problem, or has the wife just let herself go a bit?"

[Speros]

That leads me to a quote of the day I saw recently:

"Erectile dysfunction. A physical problem, or has the wife just let herself go a bit?"

[TBWG]

 Ear  Infection
This is so true! 

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others
what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.  '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. 
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
 

[TBWG]

A major steel company feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a man leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant   business. He asked the man, "How much money do you make a week?"



A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £300 a week. Why?"


The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the man £1200 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."



Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lay-about did here?"






From across the room a voice said, "He is the Pizza delivery man from Domino's."

[TBWG]

   Yesterday,  my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my  time .
  Talking  about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic  of conversation .
     She  was "only thinking of me ," and suggested I go down to the senior  centre and hang out with the guys .
     I  did this , and when I got home last night  I decided to teach  her a lesson about staying out of my business .
  I  told her that I had joined a parachute club  .
    She  said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old , and you're  going to start jumping out of airplanes ?"
  I  proudly showed her that I even got a membership card  .
     She  said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses ! This is a  membership to a Prostitute Club , not a Parachute Club  ."
     "I'm  in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for  five jumps a week," I told her.  She fainted.
   Life  as a senior citizen is not getting any easier , but sometimes it  can be fun  !