Ring any bells?

[Somnat]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his mobile, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[Somnat]

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, (US Pro Golfer) "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

[Somnat]

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

[Somnat]

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[TBWG]

"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"
 
"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet...now her vagina has completely closed up!!!"
 
"Bummer mate"
 
"Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"
 

[TBWG]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
 
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?"
 
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
 
"What!" God exclaims: "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
 
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!"
 
God insists: "Send him back, or I’ll sue!"
 
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 

[TBWG]

After being married for 40 years, I took a
careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00
car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she
would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on
a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know
how to solve an old guy's problems.

[Speros]

CHURCH

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''

[TBWG]

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.     

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close
to me and sat down.
She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return.
She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.  'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?'

'I certainly have,' I answered,



'I missed the kick.'
 

[TBWG]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering.......
Dave..........
Dave .............

Dave........

Dave..........

..........you're a vet.

[Speros]

THE DOCTOR'S CONVENTION

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

[Speros]

ACCIDENT ON THE GOLF COURSE

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[Speros]

A MAN'S LOGIC

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

[urleft]

When I bought my iphone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees,
all without a mobile phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with
Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I
figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl,
Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message
to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel
movements of my entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I now keep my iphone in
the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and
then going over to the supermarket or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the
Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I used it once when I was standing
in line at Tesco talking to my wife and everyone within 50 mtrs was glaring at me. I had taken out
my hearing aid to use it, and I was talking little loud!

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was
the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would
sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could
barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn when
possible. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship..


When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross roads and while
she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at
once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty
laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the
supermarkets. You would think they could make a decision themselves, but this sudden "Paper or
Plastic?" every time I check out just leaves me confused. I bought some of those cloth reusable
bags to avoid looking stupid, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now when they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-
sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I
answered, No, but I do x a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those
who are.

We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote
are already more than we can handle.

[TBWG]

I LOVE MY JOB



If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!


This is even funnier when you realize it's real!


Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...





~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma
with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.


This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air
hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it
down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.


The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it,
however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish
into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.


His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers,
were all laughing hysterically.


Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his
face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in
the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was
swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be
if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?


May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!


Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~