Ring any bells?

[Speros]

THE DEVOUT CATHOLIC WOMAN

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

[TBWG]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,                                                     

 And every year Bill would say,                                                                                       

 " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "                                                               

 Blanche always replied,                                                                                               

 " I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,                                                             

 And twenty quid is twenty quid! "                                                                                     

 One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,                                                           

 " Blanche, I'm 75 years old.                                                                                         

 If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "                                           

 To this, Blanche replied,                                                                                             

 " Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "                                         

 The pilot overheard the couple and said,                                                                             

 " I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say

 a word I won't charge you a penny!                                                                                   

 But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "                                                                         

 Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.                                                                           

 The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.                                               

 He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,                                                                     

 But still not a word...                                                                                               

 When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,                                                                 

 " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..                                       

 I'm impressed! "                                                                                                     

 Bill replied,                                                                                                         

 " Well, to tell you t'truth                                                                                         

 I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,                                                                         

 But tha' knows,                                                                                                     

 twenty quid is twenty quid! "                   

[BillH52]

1. "Jesus" clip - A spring clip that holds a pin in place.
"Hand me that Jesus clip".  <sound of clip flying to the other end of the garage>
Jesus! Where did it go?

[Speros]

LITTLE JOHNNY... NICKELS AND DIMES

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

[Speros]

Two aliens landed in the Nullarbor near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Ticked off at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.”

“Rubbish”, replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 50 metres away.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, it’s that you never fool with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

[urleft]

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.


Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "


To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment) , all the students immediately raise their hands.


"All right" says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.


"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal nor logical !!!!!!"

[TBWG]

Englishman, American, Frenchman and a Pole on top of the Eiffel Tower.

The American throws a load of money off the top.

"Why did you do that," ask the others?

"We have so much money in the States I can afford to do it," says the American.

 

"Ok," says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of

champagne off the top, saying, "we have so much champagne in France I can afford to do it."

 

The Pole looks at the Englishman and says

" Don't you fucking dare!"

 

[TBWG]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

[urleft]

Subject: The Chili Cookoff
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 5:04 PM

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy,
they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too
painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just
let it in through the hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: —————————

[urleft]

So this guy gets on an airplane, locates his seat and finds that he is setting next to, of all people, the Pope.

“Wow”, he thinks, “I’ve always been a big admirer of His Holiness, but what do I say to him?”

Then he sees the Pope pull out his newspaper and start to work the crossword puzzle. “This is great, I’m a whiz at crosswords”

Soon the Pope says, “Excuse me sir, but do you know a four letter word that refers to a woman and ends in U-N-T. Well, of course, a word immediately springs to mind, but he thinks “Geez, I can’t say THAT to the Pope.” So the guy gives the Pope a sheepish shrug and tells him that he can’t think of anything.

However, A few minutes later, a thought come to him. Excuse me sir, I think that the word you were looking for was “aunt”.

“”Yes, yes, the Pope smiles, “that must be right, say, do you have an eraser

[Speros]

DISGRACING THE FAMILY

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the gramdmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.”
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she had said. "But," she said, "I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried that I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

[Speros]

BROOM FACTORY

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.
"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"
"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"
"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."
"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."
"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

[Speros]

FARMER AND THE COW

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

[TBWG]

Definition of Handsome
 
A teacher in Detroit asks her students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

 
A girl named Latisha says,
"Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."
 
 
The quality of the educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye.
 
 

[TBWG]

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non racist version of "Snow White", has been put on hold .
All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and Wog, have refused to sing "Hi Ho...."
And they say they have no freaking intention of "Going off to work".