Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A word to rioting Muslims
This message is logical, Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Orillia, Ontario , said the following
 
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called " Iraq o'Ribs.".
 Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others."
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
 
 
 

[TBWG]

 Jack   decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some shell reloads for an upcoming hunt.
 
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
 
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
 
Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.
 
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
 
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
 
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
 
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
 
”I wasn't.“

[Speros]

yesterday i thought i would share a sandwich with a homeless guy in the park.

he told me to F@ck off and get my own

[TBWG]

 I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its' act together".
 
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
 
 

[TBWG]

Alaska Retirement

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits
his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise
it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night . Thought you might like to come at about
5:00..

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some
fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle
myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

[TBWG]

The Night Light
 
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical.  All of his tests come back with normal results.  The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.  How are you doing mentally and emotionally?   Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!  The light goes on.  When I'm done, poof!  The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
 
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.  "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine!  But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! ... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! ... the light goes off?"
 
"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel.  "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
 

[TBWG]

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own  thoughts.....   
 
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin,  I'd have been gentler.'   
 
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

[TBWG]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar……
 They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands
 

 
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
 

 
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
 

 
 
 
"Didn't feel a thing." 

[TBWG]

This is very befitting.   Read to the end.   
Anthropomorphic Nouns
I thought this might be boring, but stick with it. You'll love the ending.
We are all familiar with a

Herd of cows,

A Flock of chickens,

A School of fish

And a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:

A Pride of lions,

A Murder of crows

(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),

An Exaltation of doves
And, presumably because they look so wise:

A Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most
obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least
intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a
group of baboons?
Believe it or not... A Congress!
(Note: I hadn't heard that before, so I looked it up. It is correct)

[TBWG]

Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England
 
At the station the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them
 
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies
 
"Watch and learn bro" answers one of the Maoris
 
They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them
 
Shortly after the train has departed the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says "Ticket please"
 
The door opens a crack and an arm emerges with a ticket. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money
 
When they get to the station for the return trip the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them.  To their astonishment the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all
 
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one Maori
 
"Watch and learn bro" answers an Aussie
 
When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train departs
 
Shortly afterwards one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding
 
He knocks on the door and says "Ticket please"

[TBWG]

 Legendary quotes on France

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.    France has usually been governed by prostitutes.'

Mark Twain

------------------------------

'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'

General George S. Patton

------------------------------

'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'

Norman Schwartzkopf

------------------------------

'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'

Marge Simpson

------------------------------

'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'

Jacques Chirac, President of France

------------------------------

'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'

Regis Philbin

------------------------------

'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'

John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona

------------------------------

'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'

David Letterman

------------------------------

'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada .'

Ted Nugent

------------------------------

'War without France would be like ... World War II.'

Unknown

------------------------------

'The favourite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq , then France .''

Tom Brokaw

------------------------------

'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'

Dennis Miller

------------------------------

'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'

Alan Kent

-----------------------------

'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida.     To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'

Argus Hamilton

------------------------------

'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''

Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

-----------------------------

'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq '

Dennis Miller

------------------------------

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

-----------------------------

'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ?    It's not known, it's never been tried.'

Rep. R. Blount, MO

------------------------------

'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII?     And that's because it was raining.'

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

------------------------------

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
 
 
 

[TBWG]

Assunto: Difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED
 
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

 

 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

Warning: These jokes may offend you.... if so, too fcuking bad.
____________________________________________________
 
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “x that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”;
____________________________________________________
 
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”
____________________________________________________
 
Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”;
______________________________________________________
 
Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________
 
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the x out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
 
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to !”;
____________________________________________________
My favorite!
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________
 
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “; Only to stop myself from coming too fast ” wasn’t the right answer.
 
 

[TBWG]

A look back at 2012-some not politically correct, but what the hell!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,

Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they

tested positive for WD40

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

-------------------

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and with tears

streaming down my face

I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

-------------------------

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

They’re both in hospital...

one's in a korma…   the other's got a dodgy tikka!

----------------------

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.

You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead

and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

-------------------------------

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a

middle aged couple from Weymouth

 

 

[TBWG]

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!



Very eloquently put.............don't you think?


Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."




"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."



"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."

"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?”

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."

Under no circumstances should you take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.