Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

      A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.   The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.   
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
 
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
 
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.   He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.   The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.   He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
 
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.   The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
 

[TBWG]

Tough-Harley-Guy Legend...
On January 9th, a group of Pekin Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
 
                                                                                           
 
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
 
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
 
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
 
After they finished, George gets approval, from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts.  You could be famous if you rode with me.  Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed !!!
 
 
 

[Somnat]

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday,

and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.


I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"


He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?


"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick"!!!

[TBWG]

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

 
The man answered,

"

S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

 


                       

[TBWG]

I think this is worthy of passing on........
 
Subject: Countries that helped "Sandy" Victims
 

 

 
Hurricane "Sandy".......help we received from other countries (hats off to whoever wrote this)


As you know, America is the first country to send aid when other countries are in trouble.

It is highly appropriate that we now send thanks to all of the countries that reciprocated for our help with their disasters, misgivings, social turmoil, & poverty by sending to the United States of America monetary and physical help when Sandy ravaged our East Coast leaving some folks dead, many homeless, etc. etc. etc.

Listed below are the Countries and World Organizations that are giving us gracious assistance.
Please assist in thanking them by passing on this email so people all over America can join in and thank our neighbors, to whom we have invested BILLIONS!!!!

So here's the list:

1.



Maybe now Americans will realize that charity begins at home.
With millions of our people in need and in poverty, let's save our money and
spend it at home instead of sending it to Egypt, Libya, Pakistan, etc.
.......Staten Island and parts of New Jersey would gladly thank America
if we spent the billions there.
Hopefully this is a "wake up call" that not one single country cares what happens to us!!
 

[urleft]

I think this is worthy of passing on........
 
Subject: Countries that helped "Sandy" Victims
 

 

 
Hurricane "Sandy".......help we received from other countries (hats off to whoever wrote this)


As you know, America is the first country to send aid when other countries are in trouble.

It is highly appropriate that we now send thanks to all of the countries that reciprocated for our help with their disasters, misgivings, social turmoil, & poverty by sending to the United States of America monetary and physical help when Sandy ravaged our East Coast leaving some folks dead, many homeless, etc. etc. etc.

Listed below are the Countries and World Organizations that are giving us gracious assistance.
Please assist in thanking them by passing on this email so people all over America can join in and thank our neighbors, to whom we have invested BILLIONS!!!!

So here's the list:

1.



Maybe now Americans will realize that charity begins at home.
With millions of our people in need and in poverty, let's save our money and
spend it at home instead of sending it to Egypt, Libya, Pakistan, etc.
.......Staten Island and parts of New Jersey would gladly thank America
if we spent the billions there.
Hopefully this is a "wake up call" that not one single country cares what happens to us!!
 

Won't happen.  This is from the same stupid coutry that will let Foreign GVTs continue to receive assistant even when they vote against the US in the UN. 

And with the woose in chief re-elected, I expect more of the same.   

So other counties grab the money now as soon adults will be in charge, or US will defaut on everything. 

[TBWG]

An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a
Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've
flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to
indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like
Chinese.'

No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the
captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ......no mattah ...all fukin same.’

[TBWG]

 

 

 

 

A man went to Yonge Street in Toronto having seen an ad for a Gynecologist's Assistant.  Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. "
"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Sudbury. "
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

 

She answered:
"No Sir, that's where the end of the line is."

[Somnat]

    IRISH SAUSAGES

    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the  staggering sum of one Euro.


    Murphy said: "Hang on, I have an idea."


    He went next door to the butcher's shop, and came out with one large sausage.


    Shamus said: "Are you crazy?  Now we don't have any money at all!"


    Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said: "Now you've lost it.  Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
    Murphy replied, with a smile.  "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"

    They downed their Drinks.  Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my
    zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."


    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.


    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
    free.


    At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
    this.  I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"


    Murphy said, "How do you think I feel?  I can't even remember which pub I lost
    the sausage in."

[urleft]

40 THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. “I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.”

2. “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”

3. “How about never? Is never good for you?”

4. “I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.”

5. “I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.”

6. “I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.”

7. “I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.”

8. “I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.”

9. “It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.”

10. “Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.”

11. “I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.”

12. “You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.”

13. “I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.”

14. “I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.”

15. “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”

16. “Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.”

17. “The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.”

18. “Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.”

19. “What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?”

20. “I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.”

21. “It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.”

22. “Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.”

23. “And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?”

24. “Do I look like a people person?”

25. “This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.”

26. “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.”

27. “Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.”

28. “If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

29. “Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.”

30. “Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.”

31. “I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.”

32. “A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.”

33. “Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?”

34. “Too many freaks, not enough circuses.”

35. “Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?”

36. “Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.”

37. “How do I set a laser printer to stun?”

38. “I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.”

39. “Who lit the fuse on your tampon?”

40. “Oh I get it... like humor... but different!”

[TBWG]

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles
black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[Somnat]

Little Johnny ....

Teacher: What’s wrong..??

Johnny : Our house is very small,
Me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I’m sleeping, I say No then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher: tonight wen your dad  asks, keep dead quiet, don’t answer

The following morning Johnny’s teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: My goodness why the swelling..??

Johnny: Dad asked me again if I was sleeping I shut up an kept dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving, You know, Mum was breathing heavy,
kicking her legs up an making moaning noises. Then my dad asked my mum,
“Are you cumin?“ Mum said, “Yes I’m cumin, are you cumin too?“ Dad answered: “Yes“.

They don’t usually go anywhere without me. So I said, "wait for me, I’m coming too."

[Somnat]

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

[TBWG]

Subject: The Afghan Quarterback





The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you
for making us move to Chicago !!!!

[TBWG]

 
 
 
          A LITTLE POEM FOR YOU ALL
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five".
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things and - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.