Ring any bells?

[urleft]

Some Police don't get it. You can't be using radar guns around a USMC or Naval air base.

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar Naval Air Station. One of the officers was using a hand held radar gun to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the F-18 Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment. The Hornet automatically sent a jamming signal back to your radar gun, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the perceived hostile radar position.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi

[TBWG]

> A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

> 'Fred,' he replies.
 
> 'Fred what?' the officer asks.
 
> 'Just Fred,' the man responds.
 
> The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of

> a ticket.The officer then presses him for the last name. 

> The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands

> but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

> The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
 
> When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,

> and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

> After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
 
> Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
 
> Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was

> Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
 
> Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
 
> Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,

> so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
 
> Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
 
> The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[dimple joe]

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually.

They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read:-

Now, then.   Now, then.   Now, then

[John the Traveller]

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too." 

[TBWG]

 
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
 
She calls on little Ralphy.
 
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
 
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
 
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
 
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
 
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one
with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f........ difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'
 



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today
we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked
for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful'
in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f..... beautiful!''


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f......... business.


You gotta LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
 

[urleft]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Vigra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"£7. A pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found £107 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £7, not £107.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"   

[urleft]

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note on email'.
Bosses wife read the mail and filed a divorce in court The mails says: 'Your
penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm strokes.
Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order & it is equally
good on both sides.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.
At last it is mine and mine for ever.
Thanks a lot"


Moral: space is an essential part in English.

[nookiebear]

As I entered my 15 year old daughters bedroom I tripped over an 8 inch long brown object with a wet end.Shocked & disgusted I confronted her when she came in from school.'What do you call that?'I asked.Ashamed she replied 'Sorry Dad,its my vibrator'.'Thank fcuk for that' I replied,'I thought it was Jimmy Saville's cigar!!!'

[TBWG]

Drinking and Driving
 
 
 
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks in Pattaya with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
 
I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.
 
 

[TBWG]

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
> The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
>
> Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
>
> OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
>
> "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
>
> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
>
> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
>
> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
>
> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
>
> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to t his?"
>
> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
>
> "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence ."
>

[urleft]

Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can not do this to me ? I am a U. S. Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

[urleft]

Comedians in Chief

- When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer “present” or “not guilty”. Teddy Roosevelt.

- One day, first Lady Eleanor Roosevelt visited a penitentiary. When FDR asked where she was, he was told, “She’s in prison.” “I’m not surprised” Roosevelt responded. “But what for?” Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

- “I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.” Bill Clinton on the White House.

- “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” Jimmy Carter

- “If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can’t Swim”. Lyndon Johnson

- During a state visit to Great Britain, President Ronald Reagan purportedly went horseback riding with Queen Elizabeth. At one point, one of the horses passed gas quite loudly. The queen apologized, saying, “there are some things even royalty can’t control.” Reagan replied, “I’m glad you told me, or I would have thought it was the horse.” Ronald Reagan

[Alan]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except ... The Magic Penis!'
 


  The husband said, 'The what'?

  The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

  The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

  The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'

  The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

  Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

  The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

  After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said: 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

  The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

  On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

  Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

  The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'

  The rest, as they say, is history ... ... ...

[Prakhonchai Nick]

 
The Defective Parrot.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.


It doesn't have any feet or legs.


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'   


If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
 

[urleft]

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish submariners were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.