Ring any bells?

[urleft]

Last night, my wife and I decided to do a little role play in the bedroom. As I was lying in bed waiting for her, she came out of the bathroom, wearing smoking hot lingerie.

 "Tonight, I want you to treat me like I'm your whore", she said. "And who do you you wanna be", she asked me.

"Jack the Ripper", I replied.

[TBWG]

A business man was walking down the street when he was

accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless

man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it

instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said..

"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?"

the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played

golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead,

I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner

cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious

with you for doing that?

The man replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for

her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking,

fishing and golf.."

 

[TBWG]

Inner Peace: This is so true
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably .........

Wait for it....

The Family Dog!

[TBWG]

 A Mexican (an undocumented Democrat), an African, who was black, a Muslim,
> and a Redneck, who was white, were walking together on a beach when the
> African, who was black, stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
>
> He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off, and a Genie appeared. "I can
> only grant four wishes," said the Genie. "Since there are four of you, you
> may each have a wish."
>
> Pointing at the African, who was black, he said, "Since you found the
> bottle, you may have the first wish."
>
> The African, who was black, thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a
> fleet of ships so that I can gather all black African Americans and take
> them all back to our homeland, Africa."
>
> Poof! Thousands of huge container ships appeared on the horizon.
>
> The Mexican said, "I weesh for plenty Chebby-peekups to take all my people
> back to our homeland, May-he-co."
>
> Poof! 40 million new Chevrolet trucks appeared on the beach.
>
> The Muslim said, "I wish for one million flying camels to take each Muslim
> away from this horrible country loaded with infidels. We want to return to
> Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Pakistan, Africa, and Iran."
>
> Poof! One million saddled flying camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
> Turning to the Redneck, who was white, the Genie asked, "And what is your
> wish?
>
> The Redneck, who was white, watched as the loaded pickups began moving
> toward the border; and he looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships
> sailing into the sunset; and he looked at all of the Muslims climbing on top
> of the flying camels.
>
> Then he answered. "Just give me a Bud Lite. It doesn't get any better than
> this."
>

[TBWG]

From:
 An Obituary printed in the LondonTimes.....Absolutely Brilliant !  WORTH REPEATING

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[TBWG]

What's all the Huss? Soldiers from D Squadron The King's Royal Hussars pose in front of tanks..

Support for Prince Harry!

[John the Traveller]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......

"They won't let me in without a tie!

Inshallah JT 

[TBWG]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
 
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
 
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50
 

[TBWG]

 A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was wearing a turban eating fresh shrimp.
> >
> > Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
> >
> > Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.
> >
> > The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch!
> >
> > She laughed and said, "When I cry 'rape' and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed
> > Camel-SOB"

[TBWG]

New Australian Telephone Greeting:
Wouldn't it be amazing, if this were to be introduced in Europe!

'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO "CENTRELINK" THE AUSTRALIAN SOCIAL SERVICES AND BENEFITS OFFICE'

"Press '1' if you speak English." ''Press ''2'' to disconnect until you can." Have a nice day.

[TBWG]

DON CHERRY, Canadian Hockey Commentator for CBC Television, was asked on a local live radio talk show, what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

"If hooking up one rag head terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say:
'Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."

[urleft]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’

Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’

‘Nope’, she replied.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”

[TBWG]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)




A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)




A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)




The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off..

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)




The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)




The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)




Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)




Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

[TBWG]

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
 
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'
 
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
 
'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'that would be an accident.'
 
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
 
'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
 
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room.
 
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
 
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'If a plane carrying you, Mr. Clegg and Mr. Osborne was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
 
'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
 
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!'
 

[TBWG]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.