Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one ........
 


A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you,
haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I come from".
 
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this
  lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

 

 

[TBWG]

A Blonde goes to Heaven

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned

St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload

of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new

arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you,

I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some

considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had

considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that

indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February,

right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your

answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question

absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde,

asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...?


... you're singing it now, aren't you…??

[urleft]

Lance Armstrong Finally Busted
 
 
Apparently the constant witch hunts over the years by the French has paid off. They’ve been trying to prove Lance Armstrong used illegal substances to win the Tour de France, and they finally have him.
 
 
A leading French newspaper stated today that they found THREE French banned substances in his hotel room. They were deodorant, toothpaste, and soap...

[TBWG]

Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
 
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son.. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18 years old '', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
 
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says .. .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 
-

[TBWG]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:




* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .




* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
 
 
 

[TBWG]

Wisdom that will make you smile!
 
 
 
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Bill y Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[dimple joe]

Oh dear

[TBWG]

A husband took his wife to a disco at the weekend…

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large… Breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?  25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says, without skipping a beat: "Looks like he's still f*cking celebrating!!!”

[TBWG]

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Sex With an Illegal Immigrant
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker in Soho .


"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?"
he asks.

 
"£100,"
she replies.

 
In broken English, he says,
"Do you do immigrant style?"

 
"No"
she says.

 
"I pay you £200 to do immigrant style."

 
"No,"
she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.


"I pay you £300."


"No,"
she says.
"I pay you £400."

"No,"
she says.

So finally he says,
"OK, I pay £1,000 to do immigrant  style."


She thinks,
"Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes
from every part of the world.
How bad could immigrant style be?"

 
So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
"Hey, I was expecting something
perverted and disgusting.  But that was good.
So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

 
The illegal immigrant replies,
"You send bill to Government."

 
 
AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY FELLOW TAXPAYERS,
IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!
 
 
 

[binnsy]

 

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.
...
They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

[TBWG]

The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
What the hell is she talking about?

[TBWG]

TAKING THE DOG FOR A WALK....

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home .'

If you ain't laffin'..
You ain't livin'

[TBWG]

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Philip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

[TBWG]

The Muslims are not happy!
> >
> > They're not happy in Gaza .
> > They're not happy in Egypt .
> > They're not happy in Libya .
> > They're not happy in Morocco .
> > They're not happy in Iran .
> > They're not happy in Iraq .
> > They're not happy in Yemen .
> > They're not happy in Afghanistan .
> > They're not happy in Pakistan .
> > They're not happy in Syria .
> > They're not happy in Lebanon .
> >
> >
> > So, where are they happy?
> >
> > They're happy in Australia .
> > They're happy in Canada .
> > They're happy in England .
> > They're happy in France .
> > They're happy in Italy .
> > They're happy in Germany .
> > They're happy in Sweden .
> > They're happy in the USA .
> > They're happy in Norway .
> > They're happy in Holland .
> > They're happy in Denmark .
> >
> > Basically, they're happy in every country
> >
> > that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!
> >
> > And who do they blame?
> >
> > Not Islam.
> > Not their leadership.
> > Not themselves.
> >
> > THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES
> >
> > THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
> >
> > AND THEN; They want to change
> > those countries to be like....
> > THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM
> >
> > WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
> >
> >
> > Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
> >
> > How damn dumb can you get?
> > 
>
>
> 

[TBWG]

Subject: Muslim Dilemma
 
 
         
 Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no shit Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse