Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

 It's Hell to be Old 
   
OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet! 

     
An 85-year-old man was requested by his 
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
  tomorrow.' 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
  at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
  which was as clean and empty as on the 
  previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man
  explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
  with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried
  with my left hand, but still nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
  her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
  then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
  and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
  armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
  her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'   
   
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
               

[urleft]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

[TBWG]

THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they

Haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and

Walks to the gate.

" McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over

His shoulder.

" Waddington-Smith , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks

It under his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

 

[urleft]

My daughter walked into the family living room last night and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone that wants it."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that.

She actually said, "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Muhammed. We're going to work together on President Obama's re-election campaign."

[dimple joe]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

[TBWG]

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"

[TBWG]

Be the kind of man that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, He's up!" Brother, life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don't just because you can. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Take a few minutes to think before you act when you're mad. Forgive quickly. God never said life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it.

[silver]

Woke up yesterday morning with a wicked hangover, all I could hear was the neighbour mowing his bloody lawn! I thought about ringing the bastards neck, then thought x it let him mow round me!

[TBWG]

Subject: Why She Changed Motels


Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll
call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he
sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aparasher]

If we do bad things then we are supposed to go to hell that is owned and run by the devil and devil supports bad and evil stuff.

Does this mean that more bad things we do, better treatment we will get from devil in hell?

[urleft]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
___________________________________________

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco
to New York City?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
___________________________________________

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: ‘Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.

‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.

‘Oops!’
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

[urleft]

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ..... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ..... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ......

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

[dimple joe]

A tourist walked into a Brighton antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
 
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the sea.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned..

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist,
 
'I came back to see if you've got a bronzes of a Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, an illegal immigrant and a Manchester United supporter'.

[TBWG]

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one
year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years
ago, you would have nothing today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years
ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at
Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the
scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!

[TBWG]

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo . Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right
back.

Cooter