Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A Lesson in Irony



The  Food Stamp Program , administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is
actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals
and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the  National Park Service , administered by the U.S. Department of
the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."    Their
stated reason for the policy
is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not
learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today's lesson.

[TBWG]

 

I’m just passing this along, Politically Correct???


 
 Is this so wrong?

I saw a one legged Muslim with no arms at the ATM today.

He asked me to check his balance,

so I pushed the f**ker over.

[TBWG]

(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)



A priest decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol..

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.





The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.




The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .




So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"


Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,




"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"



That pretty much ended the service !!
 

[TBWG]

Subject: The Euro

In light of the latest problems facing the European currency,
e.g. Ireland and Portugal having had a bailout
Greece facing collapse and needing another bailout,
a Belgian bank collapsing
and now Italy teetering on the brink
and possibly tipping Austria over the edge...
Should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 10,000 people in Bolton , U.K. , made up of
a representative sample of local citizens consisting of
Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis,
Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis,
Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese and Zimbabweans were asked if they
thought Britain should change its currency and adopt the Euro.
99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
 

[urleft]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[TBWG]

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I
ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music,
takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I
signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids,
their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate
with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as
simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and
every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of
everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I
am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in
my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I
keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red]
phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone
in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing
aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into
in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was
like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh
and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a
right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of
the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone
as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I
still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and
have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms
and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up
every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could
settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?"
every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of
those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never
remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I
just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their
turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I
tweet. I answered, No, but I do x a lot."

Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the
garage door remote are about all we can handle.

[dimple joe]

Just got back from taking my wife to see a specialist about her Tourettes. 


After many tests and interviews, he said he could find no evidence of the disease. 


It seems I really am a Tw*t and really should F*ck Off...... 

[TBWG]

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

 

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

 

Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.

 

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

 

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"

 

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

 

[urleft]

 
 
 
and add meatballs to your truck.
 
 
 
 

[TBWG]

> A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very
> shy about having to sell condoms to the public.


> The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she
> would be willing to run the shop on her own.


> She had to confide in him her worries about selling the
> contraceptives.
>
> "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll
> ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large].
> The word condom wont even be used.
>
> The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to
> the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
>
> The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
> her predicament.
>
> "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
> legs" her boss told her.
>
> She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
> his legs. "Yes "!!!! She said " He's got one hanging there"....!
>
> The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's
> the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!

[TBWG]

A young Ventriloquist is touring Essex and, one night, he's doing a show in a

small town.

 

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde

jokes.

 

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts

shouting,

 

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you

can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have

to do with her worth as a human being?


It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work

and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people

like you that make others think Blondes are thick! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

 

 

The embarrassed Ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

 

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"


 

[TBWG]

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

 

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart

problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

 

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

         

[TBWG]

  I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race - I just stand in the city centre and shout "Allah is a bastard"

and then off we go....

  A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!

  A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

[urleft]

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and
his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and
he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by
his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because
instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[urleft]

**Catholic Dog**

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could
ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church..... But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe.. Maybe they'll do something for the creature..'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000
is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? **