Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

    2012 Darwin Awards

    Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:

    An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

    Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:

    James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

    Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:

    Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

    Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:

    Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown  Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows  to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the  Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.  A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

    Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:

    Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

    Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:

    A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk ,  IN.    A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

    Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:

    A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

    Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

    Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday.  Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

    The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

    After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

    Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis

    "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me.  I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

    Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?  Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

 

[TBWG]

St. Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates
when three black guys in baggy pants arrive,
having been killed in a drive-by on the south side of Chicago.
St. Peter looks out through the Gates and said,
"Wait here. I will be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's office
and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you!
You can't be racist and judgmental here.
This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.
Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates,
looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.
He returns to God's office and says,
"Well, they're gone."
“Who, the black guys?" asked God!
"No. The Pearly Gates!"

[TBWG]

After being married for 40 years, I took a
careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a £500,000.00 home, a £35,000.00
car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she
would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on
a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know
how to solve an old guy's problems.

[urleft]

Paddy's birthday.


Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So, when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!

[urleft]

“When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became Optional, and now it’s Legal.

I’m getting out before Our Commander & Chief makes it mandatory.”

GySgt Harry Berres, USMC

[TBWG]

Price of gas in France





A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.



After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and
made it safely to his van..

However, he was captured only two

blocks away when his van ran out of gas

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error,

he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'


I had no Monet


To buy Degas


To make the Van Gogh.'


See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else....


I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

[TBWG]

A  mature lady gets pulled over for  speeding...

Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?
 
Traffic Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop:  Can I see your license please?

Older  Woman:  Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one. 

Traffic Cop:  Don't have one?

Older  Woman:  No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving. 

Traffic Cop:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 

Older  Woman:  I can't do that.

Traffic Cop:  Why not?

Older  Woman:  I stole this car.

Traffic Cop:  Stole it?

Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 

Traffic Cop:  You what!?
Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please!
The  woman steps out of her vehicle. 

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer  2:  My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.

Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk. 

Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?

Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite  stunned.

Officer  2:  My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the  license quizzically. 

Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older  Woman:  Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding,  too. 


Don't  Mess With Mature Ladies

[TBWG]

Al Qa'eeda to go on strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an
agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%
this April from 72 to only 54 . The rationale for the cut was the increase
in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage
of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its
members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary
Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves
to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be
treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities
of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Westerndepravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying
people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of
my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex,
Glasgow and Doncaster stated that they would be unaffected as there
are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put
down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on
going to paradise.

[TBWG]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop.  When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop. The next morning when    the barber went to open up, there was
a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money  from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[TBWG]

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.


He says prophets are going through the roof…

[TBWG]

    Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

    Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

    Baldrick: "Yes Sir"

    Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

    Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".

    Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

    Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"

    Blackadder: "It was bollocks".

[urleft]

News flashes:

1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[TBWG]

SATUK style drive in  shopping!

[John the Traveller]

Archa on special TBWG??

Hope no one was hurt.
Cheers,
JT

[TBWG]

Hi J the T

I do not know if anyone was hurt ~~~ but ~~~ suspect the driver needed more than a bandaid!

TBWG


The Traffic Warden’s funeral
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral
a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
 
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
"Too f*cking late pal, the paperwork’s already done"