Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A Police STOP at 2 AM

 

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

 

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[TBWG]

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old x, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,


'Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

 

 

Moral of this Story? ....
 
 
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -

Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
 
Always overcome youth and arrogance!

[urleft]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,



'Shoite,



Shoite !'



He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.



'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.



The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'



Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'



'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[TBWG]

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners.
 
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
 
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for Elderly Ladies.
 
All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it.
 
She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
 
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to x off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Ella.

[TBWG]

Subj: Little girl and the building site workers

Subject: This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building
workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.............

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of
building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
 
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the
little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope -
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her
mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open
a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site
and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
 
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'


'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking
bricks.'                       

[urleft]

Several days ago as I left a meeting,I desperately gave myself a pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. As I burst back out through the doors,I came to a terrifying conclusion. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, I called my wife,...”Honey,” I stammered. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. “Idiot”, she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.

“She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

Yep it’s getting like that. The golden

[urleft]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at the Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

[TBWG]

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant, gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. 

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.  The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. 

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.  The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.  He just walked in the door."

 

 

[urleft]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"
"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits. "Doing what?" asked the
father. "Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I was your age I
didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

[TBWG]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.


The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
 
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for !!!'

[TBWG]

As we have seen with various personalities

whose transgressions have been posted in the news,

Tiger Woods only returned to golf after a 5-month hiatus,

Arnold Schwarzenegger is still in limbo,
Charlie Sheen has been cut from both his wife & show,

the Italians have accepted the resignation of their

Prime Minister, Berlesconi,

it's probably prudent to remind you of the following

“Wisdom”

When you see a woman....
And want her badly....
Please consider the following.....

No matter how beautiful she is.....



No matter how sexy she is....


No matter how seductive she is...


No matter how huge her breasts are...

..... I've forgotten where I was going with this...

 

[John the Traveller]

I can finish it for you TBWG!

"No matter how huge her breast are......"

Somewhere in the world there is a bloke saying " Thank God she's gone !!!! "

Cheers,
J T

[TBWG]

Drunk Driver - True story from Australia

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"..

[TBWG]

*ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE*****
*From JOHN CLEESE *

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

 

The Irish have just two threat levels, though of late, neither of these is in common

use. “Top o’the Mornin’” for all non-threatening approaches, and “Feck Off” for all others.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides". However, just lately Italians Commanders

have introduced a further intermediary level for errors of judgement entitled

“Get Out! We are First in the Lifeboats”.

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final
escalation level.****
Regards,****
*John*****

John Cleese,****
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought  - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.****

[TBWG]

Hard to argue this logic......
>
>
>
>
> Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
> getting kicked in the nuts.
>
> Here is proof that they are wrong.
>
>
> A year or so after giving birth a woman will often surmise "It’d be
> nice to have another baby".
>
> You never hear a bloke say "I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts".
>
>
> Case closed.