Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Dr. Smith's Prescriptions

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts  Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,  'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!


 

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, "  Hickory  dickory dock "


 

[TBWG]

A lady helps her man install a new computer.
Once it is completed,
she tells him to select a password,
a word that he'll always remember.
as the computer asks him to enter it,
he looks at his wife and with a macho
gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects
a word but he is annoyed with her reaction,
when he selects: penis.
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection,
his wife collapses with laughter and
rolls on the floor in hysteria


cid:X.MA2.1325815360@aol.com
The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

 

 

[TBWG]

HOLY PROSTITUTES
A man is driving down a deserted
Stretch of highway
When he notices a sign
Out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you! My son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[urleft]

O x y m o r o n s

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand On the watch Called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, How would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, Where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” Mean the same thing?

8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” When we are already there?

10. Why are they called “ stands” When they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called “after dark” When it really is “after light”?

12.. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” Make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a “wise man” and A “wise guy” opposites?

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” Mean opposite things?

15. Why is “phonics” Not spelled The way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, Why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, Where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, Why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed And have dyslexia, Can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular And panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder On the buttons of a remote control When you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags And garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated Is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn’t glue Stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set When you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year Do you sit in front of a dead tree And eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway?

[TBWG]

OLD x PRIDE
I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old x receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand to attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
If you bump into an Old x on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old x on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

[urleft]

Hard to argue this logic

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it would be nice to have another kid.”

You never hear a guy say, “I would like another kick in the nuts.”

Case closed.
____

Of course, the male exceptions are those that plan to vote for Obama, again.

[TBWG]

A guy is sitting in his living room watching TV when he notices a Police car pull up in front of his house. The Sheriff and his deputy come up and knock on the front door.

He answers the door and the Sheriff says, "Are you Mr. Smith?"
 
"Yes," he says.
 
"Are you married, sir?"
 
"Yes I am," replies Mr. Smith.
 
"Would you happen to have a picture of your wife, sir?"
 
"Yes I do," says Mr. Smith.
 
"Would you mind getting it and showing it to us."
 
"No problem, gents."  He goes into the living room and returns with her picture and hands it to the Sheriff.
 
A very serious look comes across the Sheriff's face and he looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but it looks like your wife was run over by a truck."

Mr. Smith replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is a fantastic cook!!!" 

[TBWG]

          CONDOM HISTORY :


            An interesting piece of history...
     In 1272, the Iranians invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

 
     In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


            I hope you appreciate this history update.

 

[TBWG]

In Australia, a rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and
emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no
answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, mate!
Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.

"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, Where's y'r wheelie bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
 
 

[urleft]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately there's only one space left that day so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for all eternity".

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says "Okay your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged and asks "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me!?

" "Sorry, Dolly" says the Angel "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair..."

[urleft]

And in 2012 Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say ?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny...

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!



And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

[urleft]

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she’ll see him later and walks away.

... The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

[urleft]

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

[TBWG]

    You're playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.   Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."   You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.   Now here is the ethical dilemma:   Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

     

 

[TBWG]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether  or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a  teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub."

 


"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket  because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed  near the window?"


DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?