Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

        Google it - this is absolutely true!


                           
        In the sleepy village of  Erbum , in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes.  She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.  Her mail is addressed:

                     Linda Lykes
                    The Cock Inn
                    ERBUM
                   Tillet, Herts.


        The Postie still laughs with every delivery

         

 

[TBWG]

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.

[TBWG]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

 


The swelling in both eyes is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about managing to save his testicles!!! 

[TBWG]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but
prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need
arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so,
the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation
for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through
a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to
donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a
thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his
kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous
again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only
gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street ."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish
blood in ma veins".

[TBWG]

How the Irish intend to solve the current banking crisis.

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver it the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news.

 

The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

 

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

 

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

 

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said,

'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'

 

Paddy now works for the Bank of Ireland.

 

 

 

 
   

 

   

 

[TBWG]

Dear Employees
>
> It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
> throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
> of normal conversation with their colleagues.
>
> Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
> offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
>
> We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
> accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
>
> Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has
> been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
> continue in an effective manner.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 1.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> I think you could do with more training
>
> Instead Of:
>
> You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
>
>
> 2.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> She's an aggressive go-getter
>
> Instead Of:
>
> She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
>
>
> 3.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Perhaps I can work late
>
> Instead Of:
>
> And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
>
>
> 4.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> I'm certain that isn't feasible
>
> Instead Of:
>
> F*** off a*se-hole
>
>
> 5.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Really?
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
>
>
> 6.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Perhaps you should check with..
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Tell someone who gives a f***.
>
>
> 7.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> I wasn't involved in the project.
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Not my f***ing problem.
>
>
> 8.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> That's interesting.
>
> Instead Of:
>
> What the f***?
>
>
> 9.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> I'm not sure this can be implemented
> Within the given timescale.
>
> Instead Of:
>
> No f***ing chance mate.
>
>
> 10.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
>
>
> 11.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> He's not familiar with the issues
>
> Instead Of:
>
> He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
>
>
> 12.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Excuse me, sir?
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Oi, f*** face.
>
>
> 13.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Of course, I was only going
> To be at home anyway
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

           

[Mungbar]

Nice one 

[TBWG]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance".

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards".

They don't have any other levels.

This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy..
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!",
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"

and

"The barbie is cancelled".

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[TBWG]

Medical marvel......

 

A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible".

 

The Doctor says "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week,
throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days".

 

The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"

 

 

 

 

 

"You were homesick".

 

[TBWG]

An Indian gentleman goes to announce the death of his wife  in the obituary column of the local paper.

They inform him that it  will cost him a £1 a word to do this, unfortunately, he only has £4 on him so he says that the advert should read:

 

“ Sanjit Patel is dead”

 

at this the local paper take pity on him and advise him that he can have another 4 words for free.

 

So he thanks them politely and says:

 

OK then please print    “ Sanjit Patel is dead, Nissan Micra for sale”

[urleft]

THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20”. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to allow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare theirsavings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In
fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible

[TBWG]

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians

[urleft]

An Irishman goes back to his Doctor and tells him the laxatives he was given did not help his constipation.

The Doctor says OK I'll give you some suppositries and that should move you.

A week later the Irishman goes back and tells the Doc "these suppositries had a terrible taste and for all the good they did me i might as well have stuck them up my arse."

[TBWG]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
                             
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
 
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
                 
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door
 
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
             
Here's how it all went.
               
My engaged friend :
 
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
 
He saw me and  said, 'You are the  woman of my dreams.
 
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
               
The mistress:
 
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
 
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
               
Then I had to share my story:
 
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
 
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
 
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
               
(You'll love this)
 
 
"What's for dinner, Zorro ?"
 

 
 

[TBWG]

Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.' She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?' She says, 'A hundred dollars'. He says, 'Shit. All I've got is thirty'. She says, 'Hold on.' She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says, 'Okay'.
She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says,
'I'll be right back.' She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,
'Jones can you please lend this guy seventy bucks?