Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

  LONDON LAWYER       V        GLASGOW COP    (miss-match )
                        A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
                        He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
                         Glasgow cop says,         " Licence and registration, please."
                        London Lawyer says,     "What for?"
                         Glasgow cop says,        "Ye  didnt  come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
                        London Lawyer says,    "I slowed down, and no one was coming"
                         Glasgow cop says,        "Ye still didnt come to a complete stop.  Licence and Registration, Please."
                        London Lawyer says,   "What's the difference?"
                         Glasgow cop says,       "The difference is, ye have to come to complete stop, that's the law,  Licence and registration, please!"
     London Lawyer says,   "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket.   If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
                         Glasgow cop says,       "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
                        The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
                        The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
                        "Do  you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
 

 

[TBWG]

New make of WINE

  A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night

  sleep.

 

  NEW Wine for Seniors

 

  I kid you not...

 

  California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce

  Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new

  hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

  It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to

  make to the bathroom during the night.

  The new wine will be marketed as

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  PINO MORE

 

  I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

[TBWG]

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use
water cannons on the rioters. They are putting some Persil in though to
stop the coloureds running.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves
that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The
vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles
every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his
family. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the
Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to
walk to Croydon for his breakfast


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Riots in Runcorn last night caused over £1 million worth of improvements

[TBWG]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started......

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair..

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

[TBWG]

If the global crisis continues at  the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational
 
..... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you  know it, these two will merge and the
whole place will be full of  bloody wankers. 

[TBWG]

Subject:  Religion

 

 

A young couple wanted to join the church. The priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples.. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the priest ushered them into
his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
 
'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' the priest enquired.
 
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly.
 
The priest asked him what happened.
 
'Well, the first week was difficult, however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However the third week was unbearable; we tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
 
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase, either' !!!

 

 

[TBWG]

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.  She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads; 'If you catch me you can have me’.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.’
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[TBWG]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.


=============================================== =

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder

by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.


================================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know

they were living up there'.


================================================

Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough

television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown

3 times a week now.


================================================

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean,

a ginger haired kid, with two friends?



================================================

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him

in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


================================================

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was

caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.


Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be

curious about Sex at that age."


"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"


================================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?


================================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

 

[TBWG]

 "SECONDS BEFORE  DEATH" (CHILLING)
 
 
WARNING!  GRAPHIC BOATING INCIDENT. 
THIS  IS A PICTURE  OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS
LEFT TO  LIVE
(FRIGHTENING!)

[TBWG]

        A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona

        when her car broke down.

        An American Indian on horseback came along

        and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

        She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
        The ride was uneventful,
        except that every few minutes the Indian would let out

        a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

        When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,

        yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
        "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?"

        asked the service-station attendant.

        "Nothing," the woman answered.
        "I merely sat behind him on the horse,
        put my arms around his waist,

        And held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
        "Lady," the attendant said,

        "Indians don't use saddles."

 

[TBWG]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.


On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
 
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

 

[TBWG]

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a

well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start

to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
 
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
 
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
 
Phil: - He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
 
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil

and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
 
Phil: - ‘Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do

for a living?
 
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
 
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
 
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.  Do you have a goldfish at home?
 
Phil: - Er.  Well yeah, I do as it happens!
 
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
 
Phil: - It's in a pond!
 
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
 
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
 
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you

have a large house?
 
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house, built it myself!
 
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you

haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
 
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
 
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife

on a regular basis?
 
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
 
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
 
Phil: - Me? Never.
 
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
 
Phil: - How's that then?
 
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
 
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive.  Thanks mate!
 
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
 
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
 
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
 
Eric: - What's that then?
 
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
 
Eric: - Nope.
 
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[dimple joe]

Hey Dave, thanks for starting my week with a good laugh

[urleft]

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter...

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said,
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information
but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam.
Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day....
and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

[urleft]

The Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wangi Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun,
you're in deep shit."