Ring any bells?

[urleft]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year.
You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.

A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag."

Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of f&cking Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa . But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just f *cked the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft twat.

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!

[TBWG]

I have to admit, I probably drink more in retirement than I ever used to. With that I needed to find ways to avoid any alcohol issues while driving:

Well, I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks. Knowing that I was way over the limit, I did something that I have never done before.  I took a bus home.
 
I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.               
 
   

[TBWG]

THE ABBO AND THE GAY MAN
It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Abbo.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the Abbo and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

The Abbo leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the Abbo and said,  "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Abbo replied.. "Something about a job."
   
 

 

[TBWG]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
  'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it
under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
 

[TBWG]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you might be my kid."

 

[TBWG]

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says,
'What's wrong with you, little fellow?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3
pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

[TBWG]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH


 

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' 

She calls on little Ralphy.


 

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'


 

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'


 

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


 

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:


 

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


 

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'


 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


 

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


 


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)


 


 

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.


 

'Why?' asks the father?


 

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.


 

'But that's right!' says his dad.


 

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''


 

'What's the f******g difference?' asks the father.


 

'That's what I said!'


 


 


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


 


 

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'


 

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'


 

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'


 

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


 


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


 


 

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.


 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'


 

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


 

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'


 

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY..


 

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f******g beautiful!''


 


 

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER


 


 

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'


 

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'


 

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f******g business.


 


 


 

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

 

[TBWG]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
 
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
 
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..
 
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced;  "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
 
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
 
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
 
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
 
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"

 

 

[TBWG]

For Sale:
Wedding Dress, Size 8.
Worn Once By Mistake.

Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband.
"Miss" For One Hour &"Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman
Before Marriage And After Marriage.

Wife : I Will Die.
Husband :I Will Also Die.
Wife : Why Will You Die ?
Husband : Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild, But
When They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texed Back :
I'm In The Toilet, What Should I Send You?

The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon Grove Seemed Way Too Qualified For The Job.
"Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any Actual Experience In Picking Lemons?"
"Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied. "I've Been Divorced Three Times."

Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can
Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."
The Man SaysWithout Hesitation, "I Now PronounceYou Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me.
Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men.
In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!
I'm GoingCrazy.
What Do You Think I Should Do?"
"Relax," SaysThe Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down.
Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : Honey What Are You Doing..
Husband: MISSING YOU..

A Man Goes ToSee The Rabbi.
"Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked,"What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers,
"Tell You What. Let Me Talk To Her, I'll See What I Can Find Out And I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well I SpokeTo Her For Three Hours.
You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied, "Take The poison.....

Give me a sense of humor. Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folks.

 

 

[TBWG]

    Adam
    said, "Gladly,
    Lord, what do You
    want me to do?"


    God
    said, "Go down
    into that
    valley."
    Adam said, "What's
    a valley?"

    God explained it to
    him. Then God said,
    "Cross the
    river.."

    Adam said, "What's a
    river?"

    God explained that
    to him, and then said,
    "Go over to the
    hill...."

    Adam said, "What is a
    hill?"


    So, God explained to
    Adam what a hill was.
    He told Adam, "On
    the
    other side of the
    hill you will find a
    cave."


    Adam said, 'What's a
    cave?'

    After God explained,
    He
    said, "In the cave
    you will find a woman."


    Adam said, "What's a
    woman?'

    So God explained
    that to him, too..
    Then, God said, 'I
    want you
    to
    reproduce."

    Adam said, "How do
    I do
    that?" 

    God first said (under
    His breath), "Geez....."

    And then,
    just like everything else, God explained that to
    Adam, as
    well.

    So, Adam goes down
    into
    the valley,

    across the river, and
    over the hill,
    into the
    cave, and finds the
    woman.

    Then, in
    about five minutes, he was back.

    God,
    His patience
    wearing thin, said
    angrily, "What is
    it
    now?"

    And Adam said....


    *

    *




    *

    *


    *

    *

    *

    "What's a
    headache?"
     

 
 

[TBWG]

Health advice for women!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
 
Do you suffer from shyness?
 
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
 
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or  pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and  more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that  prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and  awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many  talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of  money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

*WARNINGS:*
 
* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse
enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

 Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir...

 

     

[TBWG]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Di xafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[urleft]

Friends are like knickers....

Some crawl up your arse....
Some snap under pressure....
Some don't have the strength to hold you up....
Some get a little twisted....
Some are your favourite....
some get thrown away when new ones come along....
Some are holey....
Some are cheap and just plain nasty....
And some actually do cover your arse when u need them to :-)

[urleft]

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 1


Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 2


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 3


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.


The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."


The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."


The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 4


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 5


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 6


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 7


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 8


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[TBWG]

'A petrol station owner in Ludhiana was trying to
increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon a Sardar pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The Sardar guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, the Sardar, along with his friend ,a Gujju, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. the Sardar guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, the Gujju said to the Sardar, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

The Sardar replied, 'No it ain't . It's not rigged at all.
My wife won twice last week.