Ring any bells?

[urleft]

WELL, NOW I UNDERSTAND .......

 

Our English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

Less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows, a Rook of ravens, an Exaltation of doves and, (presumably because they look so wise), a Parliament of owls.

Now, consider a group of Baboons. These are the loudest, most obnoxious, most aggressive, most vicious, most dangerous and least intelligent of all primates.  And what is the proper collective noun for a group of these uncivilized creatures?

Believe it or not, it is: a Congress of baboons!

"I guess that pretty much explains everything that comes out of Washington!"

[urleft]

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.


Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[TBWG]

A Police STOP at 1AM
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 

[TBWG]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
-   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>   
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt 
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><> 
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>   
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><> 
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>   
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>   
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><> 
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><> 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>   
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>   
Money can't buy you happiness ... But it  does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>   
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>   
I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>   
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it
- W. C. Fields
<><>   
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><> 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>   
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>   
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet:  -  If it tastes good spit it out.
 

[urleft]

LIVING WILL FORM.

I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Cold Beer____ a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______the remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______the sports page______Sex ______or Chocolate: It should be presumed that I won’t ever get any better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature:__________________________ Date: _____

PS I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don’t even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on!

[urleft]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.’

Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .’

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister manager, I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’

Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.’

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

[TBWG]

Think before you speak....

 


 

 

Here are six reasons why you should think 
Before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that 
You could immediately take the wordsback... 
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... 


FIRST TESTIMONY: 
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. 


SECOND TESTIMONY: 
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,  I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me..
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls' 

THIRD TESTIMONY: 
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. 
To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 

FOURTH TESTIMONY    : 
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. 
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY: 
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked 
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said 'No' ..
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
S oooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. 

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! 


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: 
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you 
Promised me last night?' 

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! 

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
And remember
We all say things we don't really mean,
So think before you speak!!!


   
 

[TBWG]

> > After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to
> > describe her.
> > He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
> > H....
> > I, J, K."
> > She asks..... "What does that mean?"
> > He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
> > Gorgeous, Hot.
> > She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....
> > What about I, J, K?"
> > He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
> >
> > His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............
> > (men just never know when to quit!)

[TBWG]

Seniors Bus Tours




A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.


She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again .....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'




It pays to be careful around old people!!!

 

[TBWG]

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The ! Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!

[TBWG]

     Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're

       having sex with your wife. The whole street was

       watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says:

       "Well the joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday."

 

 

 

 


       Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and

       playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jesus Paddy,

 

       what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on

 

       in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy

 

       to attracter.....

 

 

 


       Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it

 

       a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

 

       Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to

       Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?

 

       Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

 

 

 


       Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".

 

       Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

 

 

 



       Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.

 

       Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say

 

       we only found two."


 

 


       Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

       Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just feckin wet mine."
 

 

[TBWG]

    Sell my stuff if I die
    Women, don’t you just luv them. The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.
    One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
    "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
    "I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don 't want some other asshole using my stuff."
    She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

[urleft]

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval.
I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British Government are already in the process of doing it."

[TBWG]

Subject: London Riots - Not PC

            .........................The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics will be just like any other Friday night in London, you'll hear a gunshot followed by eight blacks legging it...........................Boots are reporting that after the looting of their shops throughout London, the only thing left on the shelves is fake tan
            ............................Police in London are to use a mixture of water and Persil in their cannons. That should stop the coloureds running.....................Apparently a masked superhero double act were seen on the streets of Tottenham last night. Blackman and Robbing.......................Cops stop a Pakki in a transit van on the motorway. Cop says 'You know the limit is 70?' Paki looks behined and says 'Hear that? Three of you will have to get out!'.....................The British Government has reacted to worldwide rioting by sending rescue vehicles to evacuate all British Citizens. They have sent three ships to Lybia two planes to Syria and a mini cab to Tottenham
             
            ..................Wow the new Planet of the Apes trailer is amazing...No wait a minute it's Sky News from Tottenham ........................Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of scousers will not travel down for the match between Spurs and Everton, due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen..........................Following the riots in Tottenham I think it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are in fact drug dealers and rapists..........................

[TBWG]

To my  darling husband,

Before  you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know  about the

small  accident I had with the 4 by 4 when I turned into the  driveway.....
 
Fortunately not too bad  and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry  too
 
much about me.
 
I was  coming home from Tesco and when I turned into the driveway.

I accidentally  pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. 
 
The garage door is slightly  bent but  the 4 by 4 fortunately came to a halt  when

it  bumped into your car.

I am  really sorry, but  I know with your kind-hearted  personality you will

forgive  me. You know how much I love you and care for you my  sweetheart.

I am  enclosing a photo for you.

I cannot  wait to hold you in my arms again.   

Your  loving wife.
 
XX


 
 
 
 
P.S.       Your  girlfriend   phoned.