Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A tourist walked into a Brighton antique shop.
> >After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze
> statue
>
> >of a rat.
>
> >It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
>
> >anyway.
>
> >
>
> >He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
>
> >The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
>
> >
>
> >The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat,
> you
>
> >can keep the story.'
>
> >
>
> >As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
>
> >crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
>
> >
>
> >This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little
> faster, but
>
> >within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and
> they
>
> >were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
>
> >
>
> >He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he
> looked
>
> >behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they
> were
>
> >running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the
> pier and
>
> >threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
>
> >
>
> >Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it
> and were
>
> >all drowned.
>
> >
>
> >The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
> 'Ah,
>
> >you've come back for the story then?'
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze
> Muslim
>
> >Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants,
>
> >a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!'

[urleft]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[TBWG]

    It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

    Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.



    The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
    'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
    'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
    'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
    'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
    Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father
    John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
    'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
    'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
    'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

[TBWG]

No nursing home for us.  We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
 For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's £59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves  £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
 For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. 
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.  Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see  Hawaii?  They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.. They fix everything,  and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok.  If not, they'll call an ambulance . . .. or the undertaker.


 If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.   



                        And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.



The grandkids can use the pool.
        What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
AIDS WARNING!

  To all of  you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past,  this  email is especially for you......
SENIOR  CITIZENS 
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING  AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL  AIDS 

WALKING AIDS 

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT  AIDS 

MOST OF ALL, 

MONETARY  AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not  forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

[TBWG]

THE RIOTERS PRAYER:-

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the Sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the tellies, the Burberry & the Blackberry, forever and ever...Innit !!!!

[urleft]

Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman... He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.’

Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman..

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: ‘Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his whining widow!”

[Krok Kinuh]

I really LOLLED.

[urleft]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door,on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."


His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,






"No kidding... I'm in Parliament too. What state are you from?"

[TBWG]

Are you insured for sex?
 
 
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes....
Sex with your wife - Legal and General ....
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line ....
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.....
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare ...
 Sex with a Fat bird - More Than ...
Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels ....
 Sex with a posh bird - Privilege ....
Sex with a transvestite - confused.com.. .

[TBWG]

    A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
    he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
    from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
    everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
    birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
       
    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
    pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
    about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
    typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
    Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
    many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
    fainted due to sympathy pains.
     
    Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
    says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
    baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
    Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
    two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
     
     
    The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
    The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
    suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
    pounds the day he was born!'
     
    The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer,
    wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
    and proudly says,
     
     
     
     
     
    'Had him circumcised...'

 

[TBWG]

- VERY  BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side. 

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
   

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
 
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.   

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the front door, who do you let  in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 98%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to. 

[TBWG]

    The recession has hit everybody really hard...

    Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

    My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

    A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

    I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

    If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

    McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

    Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

    My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.

    A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

    A picture is now only worth 200 words.

    When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

    The Treasure Island casino in  Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

    And, finally....
    I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in  Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[urleft]

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors



How fast can you guess these words



1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM








------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert.

[urleft]

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 1


Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 2


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 3


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.


The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."


The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."


The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 4


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 5


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 6


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 7


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 8


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[TBWG]

    No Underwear . . .
     
     
    A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

    'Grandpa, what are you doing?  Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!'  he exclaimed .

    The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

    'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
     
    The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
     
    This is your grandma's idea.