Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the
businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success.

Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every
time I get an erection, I get a headache."
 

 

[TBWG]

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

 
  The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

 
   A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' 
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
      A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back,  one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

 
   One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
I love this one!
 
      The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
 

 
  A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said. 
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
 

 
I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR
   The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.' 
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..' 
 

[TBWG]

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL.

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975 WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?

[urleft]

AN ARKANSAS DOG STORY

A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend - he calls home.

?Dad,? he says, ?You won?t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole? Blue how to talk!?

?That?s amazing,? his Dad says. ?How do I get Ole? Blue in that program??

?Just send him over here with $1,000? the young Arkie says, ?and I?ll get him in the course.? So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

?So how?s Ole? Blue doing son?? his Father asks.

?Awesome, Dad, he?s talking up a storm,? he says, ?but you just won?t believe this ? they?ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!?

?Read!?? says his Father, ?No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program??

?Just send $2,500, I?ll get him in the class.?

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.

?Where?s Ole? Blue? I just can?t wait to see him read something and talk!?

?Dad,? the boy says, ?I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole? Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does?.

?Then Ole? Blue turned to me and asked, so - is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street??

The Father went white and exclaimed, ?I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!?

?I sure did, Daddy!

?That?s my boy!?

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a liar his girlfriend turned out to be!

[TBWG]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy  with frustration.

'What  troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your  family.'

'It was,'  sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play  golf as often as we can. You know  I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to  Christ.'

'I seem to  recall that,' the Mother Superior  agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation  was not  relaxing?'

'Far from  it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even  took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness,  Sister!' gasped  the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about  it!'

'Well, we  were on the fifth tee...and  this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5,  with a nasty dog leg  left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life.  I creamed  it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's  flying  straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird  in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!'  commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that  wasn't  it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that  would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the  Mother.

'But I  didn't, Mother!' sobbed  the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and  grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's  when you cursed,' said the Mother with a  knowing  smile.
'Nope,  that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk  started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk  dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother  Superior sat back in her chair, folded her  arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and  said...

'You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?

[TBWG]

A SENIORS PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK: AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists:
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
 

[TBWG]

This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, Fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.



The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company  accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the  cigars that perished in the "fires".


NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

[TBWG]

An Interesting Fact About Manure
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship.
   It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

   As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles - you can imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined  just what was happening.

   After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction Stow High In Transit, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.
   Thus evolved the term ' SHIT ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

   You probably did not know the true history of this word.
 
Neither did I.
 
I had always thought it was a golf term.

[TBWG]

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun??

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered  "We will land at night?..

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

 

Back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching the news conference

When Pelosi heard what Kim said, she sneered -  "What an idiot. Everybody knows there?s no sun at night.?

Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause.

[TBWG]

My boss, who is on vacation, phoned me today. He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It's all under control.. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor," he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."

[jivvy]

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to ?125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for ?250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

[TBWG]

 

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across
    a   desk.   -- Grantland Rice
2 Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their
    frequent inability to count past five.   -- John Updike
3 It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.   -- Robert Lynd
4 If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it     
    is.   -- Horace G. Hutchinson
5 They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.   -- Gardner Dickinson
6 If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.   -- Sam 
    Snead
7 Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.   -- William Wordsworth
8 If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.  -- Dean Martin
9 If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have
    to waste energy going back to pick it up.   -- Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a 
     hole in one.   -- Bishop Sheen
11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.   -- Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons.   -- Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.   -- Pete Dye
14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them!   -- Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.   -- Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.   -- Jack Lemmon
17. It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.   -- Mark Twain
18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.   -- Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them.   -- Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.   -- Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.  -- Anon

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.  -- George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.   -- Lee Trevino
24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken.   -- Woody Woodbury
25. The No. 1 golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys and mobile phone out of your golf bag before you   
      throw it into the creek.

[TBWG]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

 

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"




"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[TBWG]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.. He flicked it on.
'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman  started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy  replied,
'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins...

Ok Ok...... I know it's been posted before but it is the run up to xmas!

[urleft]

  As I get older, I realize?

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

 #2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

 #3 - I don't need anger management? I need people to stop pissing me off.   

#4 - My people skills are just fine? It's my tolerance (for idiots) that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is? " I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it. "

#6 - I have days when my life is just one tent short of a circus.

# 7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it does muffle the sound some.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - " Getting lucky " means walking into a room and remembering why I am there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.   

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.
 
#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.   

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.