Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in,
stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says, "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?
?No," I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little shit?.

[TBWG]

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, "WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?"
 
THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT."
 
"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL, VERY AROUSED NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER."
 
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

[TBWG]

This came from a Soldiers wife. It says it all:
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago...
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oath of Office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.
Every one of them missed the bastard.... ?

[TBWG]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
 
 
The woman said she would try her best.
 
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
 
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."
 
"They don't like that in heaven?, said God.
 
The woman replied:  "They're not too happy about it at Tesco Lotus either.?

[TBWG]

  After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling to meet her demand.  When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

     On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she felt she had endured.

     Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.  The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

     The therapist turned to the husband and said, "That is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.  Can you do this?"

     "Well, I suppose I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ..... But I usually fish on Fridays."

[TBWG]

The  other day I needed to go to the local Medway NHS  hospital
  But  not wanting to sit there for 4  hours,
   I   put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID  card
  That  I had made off the Internet onto the  front  of my jacket .
   
When  I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of  the people got  up and left.
  I  guess they decided that they weren't that sick  after all.
  Cut  at least 3 hours off my waiting  time.
  Here's  the patch.
  Feel  free to use it the next time you're in need of  quicker emergency service.

[TBWG]

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to have the child in secret.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.
 
 

[TBWG]

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced,
"Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said.
"We need the height and she gives us the length!
 
Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.

[TBWG]

Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found?  Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable!  The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" ;

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
 
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.  She never got your email!" 
 

[TBWG]

THE NEW POLITICAL SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the Politicians stance....

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
 

[TBWG]

HELL EXPLAINED *       
       
The following is an actual question given on a  University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.                 
The answer by this student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :               
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?     
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:     
1.      If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2.      If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that
'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is,therefore extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
'Oh my God.'
 
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
 
 
 

[TBWG]

GRASS WALKING
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
 
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.  Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.  Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."
 
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.  In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
 
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering .  .  . would it be all right if she carries the golf bag?"
 
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 
THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.
 
 

[TBWG]

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'.

" When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged.
 As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded,"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 

[TBWG]

"IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER,YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM"
 
 
WRITTEN BY A 21 YEAR OLD FEMALE.
 
Wow, this girl has a great plan! Love the last thing she would do the best.
 
This was written by a 21 yr. old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare big government state that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion.
 
This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco, TX.
 
PUT ME IN CHARGE . . .
 
Put me in charge of food stamps no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.
 
Put me in charge of Medicaid. Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to use drugs, alcohol, or smoke, then get a job.
 
Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.
 
In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22-inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good."
 
Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules. Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self-esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self-esteem
 
If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices.   The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.
 
I love this one....
 
AND while you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.
 
Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GET THIS BACK, IF EVERYONE SENDS IT, I WILL GET OVER 220 BACK!!! I WOULD KNOW YOU SENT IT ON!!!
 
 
 
Isn't it weird that in AMERICA our flag and our culture offend so many people......
but our benefits don't?

[urleft]

AND while you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.
 
Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GET THIS BACK, IF EVERYONE SENDS IT, I WILL GET OVER 220 BACK!!! I WOULD KNOW YOU SENT IT ON!!!
 
 
 
Isn't it weird that in AMERICA our flag and our culture offend so many people......
but our benefits don't?

+1