Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

A gynecologist becomes so fed up to the backteeth with malpractice insurance and all the rest, he embarks on a career change, where his already skilful hands could still be of use. He goes to the local technical college, and takes evening classes to become a mechanic. When the time of the practical exam approaches, the gynecologist prepares carefully for weeks, and completes the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he is surprised to find that he has obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he calls the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"No, the instructor says, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor adds, "I gave you an extra 50% because, before this, I've never seen it all done through the exhaust pipe."
 

[rufusredtail]

                        TIME TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT FORGETFULNESS..   WHAT DAY DID YOU SAY IT WAS?
                    This explains it!
 
 
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much . People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe .
 
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
 
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline .  The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time.
The brains of older people do not get weak.  On the contrary, they simply know more .
 
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.  It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise .
 
 
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names .  So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too .

[TBWG]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
 
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan,
several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
 
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
 
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said.........     " LAND MINES " !

Moral of the story
... BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART  WOMAN
 

[TBWG]

It's a Barka!

[TBWG]

Who said that the health care in UK was not up to par?


A Muslim immigrant in London goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."


The doctor examines him and then says:


"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for three days."


The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says, "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with  me?"


The doctor replied......

"You were homesick."

[TBWG]

Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:     November 1, 2012
RE:         Gala Christmas Party
 
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
 
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols .... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
 
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy on everyone's pockets.
 
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
 
 
Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:     November 2, 20102
RE:         Gala  Holiday  Party
 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
 
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
 
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
 
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
 
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
 
 Company Memo
FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:    November 3, 2012
RE:        Holiday  Party
 
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name .....
 
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?
 
Somebody?
 
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange.  No gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
 
SO REMEMBER: NO EXCHANGE OF GIFTS WILL BE ALLOWED.
 
Patty
 
Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director1
To:        All Employees
DATE:   November 4, 2012
RE:       Generic  Holiday  Party
 
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that on December 20th the holy month of Ramadan begins, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
 
There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off serving your meals until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?
 
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
 
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each group will have their own table.
 
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed.  Apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.
 
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
 
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .
The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
 
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
 
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
 
 
Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:     November  5, 2012
RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party
 
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
 
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
 
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
 
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
 
 
Company Memo
FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   November  6, 2012
RE:       Patty Lewis and  Holiday  Party
 
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
 
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
 
Happy Whatever!
Joan
 

[TBWG]

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone..
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his   current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed..   
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.  He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening....
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...." ?
 
 

[TBWG]

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada....
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."
 
 

[jivvy]

So true now in the UK

[TBWG]

*Watery eyes after sex*

Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other, "You ever
notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose
burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

 
The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

 
The first one asked, "Why is that?"

 
The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."
 

[jivvy]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" One of the Staff passed out.

[urleft]

SO TRUE !

 

 

 Conundrum

 

Free people are not equal.  Equal people are not free.   (Think this one over and over…makes sense!)     
 
"A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."   
 
The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.
 
 Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:   

1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.       

2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.       

3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.       
 
4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.       
 
5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.       
 
6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.       
 
Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century. Makes you wonder who is doing the math.     

 

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:       
 
1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.       
 
Funny how that works.  And here's another one worth considering…       
 
2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money.  But we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money!  What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.       
 
Think about it.....and Last but not least:
 
3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens, OR our elected officials (who by the way, only represent themselves).   
 


"If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools." – Plato

 

 

         

[TBWG]

 
WALK NAKED  IN AUSTRALIA DAY

 
IS ON  AGAIN.
 
 
 

 
 
 
Don't forget  to mark your calendars.

 
As you may  already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than  his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.

 
So next  Saturday at 1 p.m. all Aussie women are asked to walk out of their house  completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood  terrorists.
 
 
 

 
 
Circling  your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist  effort.


 
All  patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of  their‚ houses to demonstrate their support for the women  and to  prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.  Since Islam  also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further  proof of your patriotism.
 
 
The  Australian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists  and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. 

 
 

 
 
 
God Bless  AUSTRALIA. !!
 

[TBWG]

Bathtub Test
 
 
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"
 
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
 
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
 
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[TBWG]

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida

decided to take one of the jobs that
most Americans are not willing to do.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan
and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said,

"I have to ask you, Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!  I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Obama."